It is July. I have the month off and have spent way too much time on Facebook. Some things are the same as before, and yet, I think some subtle changes have taken place in the way I have been thinking about the journey towards motherhood.
IUI #3 resulted in a BFN, with my period starting quite a bit sooner than expected, while I was still taking progesterone.
IUI #4 happened Friday June 25. My friend E came with me, bringing prayers and good wishes. She also promised to encourage the swimmers, in Korean (my donor is half-Korean), to swim swim swim!
Things felt different with this try, but they always do. Every month you go through this cycle of hope, anticipation, doubt, disappointment, then start all over again.
There has been some slight spotting since day 11, which is odd. It is, as far as I know, too late for implantation spotting, and too early for my period. I never have any spotting, so I know something is going on, but there's no telling what it means. I had a tiny nosebleed the other day, and have been feeling tired, headachy, and sometimes nauseous. I'm not sure any of this means anything.
My friend N has entered her second trimester. In broaching the subject with her parents, she got some unexpectedly negative reactions. I felt bad for her, but also knew that this was par for the course. I think most of these negative reactions stem from anxiety. Parents, no matter how old we are, will worry about how we will handle single motherhood. At any rate, I know her mother will come around and enjoy the excitement of this pregnancy rather than worry about what the neighbors will say about N being single. It was hard, of course, not to think about what my own parents would say should I get to the point of actually entering my second trimester. My father, no doubt, will offer his support by offering me money, and my mother will worry incessantly and share all her anxieties with me. It is no wonder that I haven't said anything yet!
My friend J, another SMC, just had her baby, a healthy girl at 7.5 pounds! It is really exciting news. She is 40, I believe, but got pregnant on her first IVF.
My colleague K, married, is due in a few weeks and has just finished decorating the baby's room. They don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl.
My brother and his wife are having a baby too. This I find out, quite accidentally, on Facebook! My friend K and discussed my feelings about my brother expecting a baby. I don't feel any envy towards him, nor self-pity about my situation. I am really happy for him, his wife, and for my parents, who could use a positive distraction in their lives.
The motherhood issue keeps coming up in my interactions with people. Quite unexpectedly my language teacher arrived for class the other day and asked "Can you recommend an acupuncturist for fertility? I have been trying for three years." She had no idea that I was trying too, and that I could indeed, recommend an acupuncturist. We talked about our respective situations, about adoption as an option, about how sad it would feel for me to never experience pregnancy and childbirth. It was nice to feel so helpful to her, if a bit bittersweet. It is amazing how much information I was able to provide, loaning her my Randine Lewis book on the TCM approach to fertility, recommending doctors and resources, and yet, all the time realizing that all this knowledge that I have accrued may or may not get me anywhere with regards to becoming a mom. This is one area in my life where the amount of research I do seems to have little effect on the outcome.
Still, I have started feeling differently about this process. I'm really quite happy with my life. I figure that if I want to be a mom, it will happen one way or another, perhaps not in the way I imagine. I've started looking into adoption, and in general, I've taken on a very Arjunian attitude towards this journey. I'm hoping to fight the good fight, as it were, but have surrendered the outcome to God.
The insurance question is a big and difficult one, and I constantly find myself asking for guidance. Do I retain a lawyer to try and get coverage? How much do I want to fight them on this? Is it worth the time, the money, the stress? Or, do I place my trust in the universe and know that what should happen will eventually happen? Can I have faith in the fact that if one door is closed, it simply means my path lies elsewhere?
Actually, these are difficult but valuable experiences. More than at any point in my life I feel a sense that I am in God's hands, that there is no need to feel afraid or lonely (even though I sometimes still feel these things), and that the obstacles on this journey only deepen my connection to the divine while making me stronger.
God has shown up in this journey in more than one way.
For one thing, dancing has completely replaced dating as a distraction, and thank goodness. I'm no longer interested or hopeful on the dating front, and in the context of dance, the interactions with men are just more fun. A few weeks ago local blues dancers hosted CUBE (Chicago Underground Blues Experience), a weekend of house parties and late-night dances starting after midnight. I never thought I would get up out of bed at 2am to attend an all-night dance party, but that is exactly what I did, stopping at 4am only because the speakers broke. It was dawn as I drove home, and not a few hours later I headed out again to Siddha Yoga to make chai for the meditators. This is shocking even to me, the person who used to fall asleep around 10pm every night of the week.
And then, there is the fact that into my life came this young man towards whom I have very maternal feelings. In a conversation a few weeks back I sensed something which prompted me to ask about his mother. He told me she'd left them when he was four, and that his father single-handedly raised him and his brother. She drank, apparently, and had also wanted him to be a daughter instead. I'll never know all the complexities behind this sad story, of course, but it is hard for me to feel anything but pity for this woman, who missed out on being a mother to this cute and wonderful kid who is sweeter, nicer, and more positive than almost anyone I know, not to mention extremely talented. He seems to have made his peace with this; he talked about how grateful he was for his father and how he had no bitterness or resentment for the sad fact of his motherless childhood, and how he did not feel entitled to anything beyond what he had. He told me about the strong foundation in faith his father had instilled in him, and how he knew he had to focus on his blessings and his strengths rather than the things that were missing in his life. I told him that if I had a son I would want my son to be just like him. And so I find myself in this odd situation of making cookies for him, bringing him food when I can, and sometimes, scrutinizing the girl he is dating and wondering if she's good enough for him. (Which, of course, she is. After all, he likes her, so she must be a really nice girl.)
So, I wait for the next pregnancy test this Friday. I was tempted to take one last night, quite a few days early, when the tests are supposedly 70% or so accurate. I decided to keep waiting. As my dance teacher B has taught me, after laughing at me for being too grabby while dancing, sometimes you just have to wait.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
IUI #3
I caught my LH surge on Wed around 11am and scheduled my insemination for 8am today. I stayed out fairly late last night dancing to a live band at the Alhambra Palace with its kitschy faux-Moroccan decor. Dancing was good for the most part, except for one cha-cha (who plays a cha-cha at a swing dance?!) that was less than sublime and slightly embarassing.
Everything went smoothly this morning. In one recent conversation with an RE she suggested that a full bladder was helpful during an IUI, as it can help make it easier to thread the catheter. So this morning I started drinking a fruit smoothie, then some leftover blood orange soda, then lots of water while I waited for my appointment. I wanted to have a full bladder but not be uncomfortable before, during, and after the IUI, which involves quite a bit of waiting.
Today's insem was very easy. Everything was very "open," according to the health worker who helped me today. That means the timing was good. I just hope her aim was good as well, and that I get pregnant this cycle.
Everything went smoothly this morning. In one recent conversation with an RE she suggested that a full bladder was helpful during an IUI, as it can help make it easier to thread the catheter. So this morning I started drinking a fruit smoothie, then some leftover blood orange soda, then lots of water while I waited for my appointment. I wanted to have a full bladder but not be uncomfortable before, during, and after the IUI, which involves quite a bit of waiting.
Today's insem was very easy. Everything was very "open," according to the health worker who helped me today. That means the timing was good. I just hope her aim was good as well, and that I get pregnant this cycle.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Life lessons in lindy hop
I realized around the time of my second IUI that the TTC process, with the insurance problems, the uncertainty, and the interminable waiting were sucking the joy out of my life. I wasn’t frazzled, for the most part. Thanks to yoga and meditation, I managed to stay fairly calm. I did my due diligence: going to acupuncture, taking my prenatal vitamins, doing what the nurses told me to do, and trying my best to surrender the outcome to luck, timing, and divine grace. I cannot say I was miserable. For the most part I was happy to have finally started the process, but it was a time of great apprehension, to say the least.
Going into this I knew it would be a waiting game, but I also knew that I don’t like waiting. In my last relationship I felt like I waited a good three years for him to make up his mind about whether or not he wanted to be with me. He did not. During the thinking stage, I kept waiting until my life felt more stable or I felt surer about my decision. Once I started TTC, I waited for appointments, waited for blood work and ultrasound results, waited for ovulation, waited for the insemination, and then waited for results of the pregnancy test. Once I got a BFN, I started the whole process of waiting all over again.
It became apparent that I could not continue like this, living my life in a state of anticipatory suspense while I waited to become pregnant. I am a planner; I've thought this through for over a year and bought a condo because I did not think I could have a baby in a studio apartment. I realized, especially after my problems with insurance, that all the planning I do can go to hell in a handbasket as quickly as it takes to say "baby." There's not much I can control. I can try my best, but the rest is really out of my hands, and I cannot sit around simply waiting for it to happen. So it was quite fortunate that dance became the major distraction in my life.
I’ve always enjoyed dancing, but avoided ballroom-style partner dancing for many reasons. For one thing, I disliked the idea that I had to wait for the man to lead me. I didn’t trust the other beginners in my ballroom dance classes, and did not appreciate the fact that when I had a bad partner, I automatically had a bad dance experience.
At a dance party a few months back, my friend K and I settled upon the idea of taking private lessons in lindy hop. It felt like a waste of time to go to group classes where you learn one new thing a week and practice with other beginners. So we signed up for lessons through the dance studio May I Have this Dance. We picked things up fairly quickly and started going to dances at Fizz, Java Jive, and the monthly blues dancing event Bluetopia, at which point, the fun came flooding back into my life in a big way.
I won't go into details here, as I know that a charming and witty blog about these and other dance adventures is in the works, but I do want to credit two people for this happy development: first, my dancing partner-in-crime K, who plans her life around dancing and has now learned to lead me in lindy hop, and our very talented teacher B, a fantabulous lindy-hopper and, it must be said, the cutest thing on two feet. There is almost nothing as fun as dancing with him.
I have a feeling he is not aware of the important life lessons he has taught me through dance:
a) You have to trust your partner (especially when he dips you).
b) You have to wait for your partner (especially when he's leading you).
And perhaps most important:
c) You experience something sublime when you move in harmony with someone else.
I do not have a partner in life, nor on the TTC journey, but as one of my spiritual advisors pointed out, my desire for motherhood is simply a desire for oneness with someone else, a feeling that I am not alone and that I am connected to something greater than the limited, flawed self I sometimes, or even frequently, experience in my mundane life.
There are two things I need to say about this. First, I agree that the TTC journey for me isn’t just about becoming a mom. Rather, it is about being in touch with something transcendent, about living for someone other than myself, and what better way than the creation of life to experience this? Still, it does not mean that motherhood is the only way.
Second, that feeling of a limited self is really the product of fear and forgetfulness. Gurumayi would say that the feeling of connectedness is already there within us, and that it is there all the time. Life takes a toll on our awareness, but with a bit of grace and a lot of practice, we can get back in touch with the bliss that is already there to begin with.
Practice, for me, has meant yoga, meditation, chanting, singing, and cooking for other people. Now, it also includes dance. As B has shown me, when you relinquish the idea that you can control everything about your life, when you have trust in your heart, when you tune in to the subtle but unmistakable cues provided, when you’re able to let go of your own small ego and allow yourself to simply become part of something greater, that feeling of transcendence is right there.
Going into this I knew it would be a waiting game, but I also knew that I don’t like waiting. In my last relationship I felt like I waited a good three years for him to make up his mind about whether or not he wanted to be with me. He did not. During the thinking stage, I kept waiting until my life felt more stable or I felt surer about my decision. Once I started TTC, I waited for appointments, waited for blood work and ultrasound results, waited for ovulation, waited for the insemination, and then waited for results of the pregnancy test. Once I got a BFN, I started the whole process of waiting all over again.
It became apparent that I could not continue like this, living my life in a state of anticipatory suspense while I waited to become pregnant. I am a planner; I've thought this through for over a year and bought a condo because I did not think I could have a baby in a studio apartment. I realized, especially after my problems with insurance, that all the planning I do can go to hell in a handbasket as quickly as it takes to say "baby." There's not much I can control. I can try my best, but the rest is really out of my hands, and I cannot sit around simply waiting for it to happen. So it was quite fortunate that dance became the major distraction in my life.
I’ve always enjoyed dancing, but avoided ballroom-style partner dancing for many reasons. For one thing, I disliked the idea that I had to wait for the man to lead me. I didn’t trust the other beginners in my ballroom dance classes, and did not appreciate the fact that when I had a bad partner, I automatically had a bad dance experience.
At a dance party a few months back, my friend K and I settled upon the idea of taking private lessons in lindy hop. It felt like a waste of time to go to group classes where you learn one new thing a week and practice with other beginners. So we signed up for lessons through the dance studio May I Have this Dance. We picked things up fairly quickly and started going to dances at Fizz, Java Jive, and the monthly blues dancing event Bluetopia, at which point, the fun came flooding back into my life in a big way.
I won't go into details here, as I know that a charming and witty blog about these and other dance adventures is in the works, but I do want to credit two people for this happy development: first, my dancing partner-in-crime K, who plans her life around dancing and has now learned to lead me in lindy hop, and our very talented teacher B, a fantabulous lindy-hopper and, it must be said, the cutest thing on two feet. There is almost nothing as fun as dancing with him.
I have a feeling he is not aware of the important life lessons he has taught me through dance:
a) You have to trust your partner (especially when he dips you).
b) You have to wait for your partner (especially when he's leading you).
And perhaps most important:
c) You experience something sublime when you move in harmony with someone else.
I do not have a partner in life, nor on the TTC journey, but as one of my spiritual advisors pointed out, my desire for motherhood is simply a desire for oneness with someone else, a feeling that I am not alone and that I am connected to something greater than the limited, flawed self I sometimes, or even frequently, experience in my mundane life.
There are two things I need to say about this. First, I agree that the TTC journey for me isn’t just about becoming a mom. Rather, it is about being in touch with something transcendent, about living for someone other than myself, and what better way than the creation of life to experience this? Still, it does not mean that motherhood is the only way.
Second, that feeling of a limited self is really the product of fear and forgetfulness. Gurumayi would say that the feeling of connectedness is already there within us, and that it is there all the time. Life takes a toll on our awareness, but with a bit of grace and a lot of practice, we can get back in touch with the bliss that is already there to begin with.
Practice, for me, has meant yoga, meditation, chanting, singing, and cooking for other people. Now, it also includes dance. As B has shown me, when you relinquish the idea that you can control everything about your life, when you have trust in your heart, when you tune in to the subtle but unmistakable cues provided, when you’re able to let go of your own small ego and allow yourself to simply become part of something greater, that feeling of transcendence is right there.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
It only takes one
Recently I offered to write something about the very strange situation of dating while trying to conceive a baby through donor insemination for the Single Mothers by Choice newsletter. I gleaned together a couple of older blog posts from here. This is what I eventually submitted:
It only takes one
"Why are you dating?" a friend asked me one day, almost a year after the end of my last relationship. It struck me as an odd question. I thought, "Why shouldn't I date? I'm a human being. Don't all human beings want an intimate connection with someone?” She knew, of course, that I was also about to start trying to conceive a baby through donor insemination.
No more than a year earlier, at age 37, I had been desperately clinging on to a relationship that felt like my last chance of having the “dream,” the one where you finally meet someone, marry him, have children together, and settle into a comfortable domesticity for happily-ever-after. I had ignored warning signs, avoided the nagging question of whether I really wanted to coparent with this man, and dragged him to couples counseling, only to have things end one night when he finally said “It just isn’t working.” I felt this loss deeply. This was it, my last chance gone; I would be single and childless forever.
Nothing comes easily. Some people do have a good destiny. It seems that everything comes to them very easily. But understand that they worked very hard for it in some other lifetime. So there is no need to become jealous or envious of others. You shouldn't feel, 'I am going through such a hard time, and everybody else is getting it so easily.' The crux of the matter is, nothing great comes easily. You have to work for it, you have to put forth effort. It is as simple as that. You must make the effort.
As I contemplated this, I reached some clarity about my situation. Perhaps we all arrive in this world with our respective baggage, and most of it we didn't choose to bring with us. Maybe my burden is heavier than yours; maybe mine refuses to fit in the overhead compartment. Still, envy and self-pity are a waste of time and energy. Comparing yourself to others just to feel inadequate is a waste of time and energy. Should I writhe around in the mire of self-pity my whole life, or instead, make my best efforts to become a better person, teacher, and friend, all in service to the universe that has given me not only my unique baggage but my unique set of blessings as well? I resolved to proceed with a positive attitude towards the life I wanted, one with a family. I began dating and TTC at the same time.
I did not really know how to go about this. I wondered, what do you say to your date? When do you say something? Will it become his weird dating story, to be repeated to all his friends? What if TTC is successful? Do you stop TTC if you meet someone you like? Many around me saw these as separate paths. You either try to meet someone, marry him, and have a child with him, or you go ahead with SMC and forget about dating.
a) I am 38 and do not wish to wait any longer to have a baby.
b) I would regret missing out on motherhood more than missing out on marriage.
c) I am happy doing this alone; it is better than being miserable trying to do this with the wrong person.
d) I still want to meet someone, fall in love, and share my life with him.
e) That person does not have to be coparent of my baby, but he has to be someone I love and respect.
f) Having a baby could take a few years. Meeting a special person could take a few years. At my age it would be a shame to shut down one of these possibilities right now. So, I find myself in this strange situation of dating while TTC. It often feels like I am paddling upstream while straddling two canoes, each with its own separate sense of direction and momentum.
Date #5, a man I never actually met, had an unusual name so I googled him, only to find out he had lied about his age and that a sexual harrassment lawsuit had been filed against him. Date #6 had his own kids and was the only one I told about TTC before we met. He was supportive, and even offered to go see The Backup Plan with me. His taste in movies notwithstanding, he was kind and empathetic. Yet, there was no chemistry and I never saw him a second time. Date #7 was a man with no career direction, and worked only so he could watch movies. We geeked out on films together, talking at length about Sirk and Visconti, but it seemed neither of us wanted to date the other. For my part, I could not get past the fact that he had the face of a 14 year-old and the hands of a 70 year-old.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
SMC in the news (thanks to J Lo?)
Last week I went on a first date with a divorced grant writer with two children of his own, 16 and 13 years of age. I did something I hadn't done before: I told him even before we met that I was planning on becoming an SMC.
He was very supportive of the idea and even suggested we go see J-Lo's new movie The Backup Plan together. Notwithstanding his taste in films, I found him kind and empathetic. He understood the desire to have a family and why I would consider this.
I haven't seen the movie, but I've known about it for months. Two other SMC-themed movies are supposed to hit the silver screen in the near future. Word on the SMC boards is that perhaps one of those will be better. Some found that The Backup Plan did not resonate, as they had never thought of SMC-hood as Plan B. Others did not care for the caricatures of single moms as militant ideologues on issues like breastfeeding.
At any rate, SMCs are in the news at the moment:
Interview with Louise Sloan, author of Knock Yourself Up
Today Show segment: More moms having children on their own?
He was very supportive of the idea and even suggested we go see J-Lo's new movie The Backup Plan together. Notwithstanding his taste in films, I found him kind and empathetic. He understood the desire to have a family and why I would consider this.
I haven't seen the movie, but I've known about it for months. Two other SMC-themed movies are supposed to hit the silver screen in the near future. Word on the SMC boards is that perhaps one of those will be better. Some found that The Backup Plan did not resonate, as they had never thought of SMC-hood as Plan B. Others did not care for the caricatures of single moms as militant ideologues on issues like breastfeeding.
At any rate, SMCs are in the news at the moment:
Interview with Louise Sloan, author of Knock Yourself Up
Today Show segment: More moms having children on their own?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Nose bleeds and other indignities
Yesterday, day 8 of the 2ww, was quite an uncomfortable day. I got up early to help cook brunch at the Siddha Yoga Meditation Center. My abdomen felt tense and uncomfortable the whole time, but part of it was the fatigue, I think. I had acupuncture, ran an errand, then had dim sum with my friend G, who was equally if not more tired. She was tired because she'd had too much to drink at a wedding the night before, which reminded me how much we were at different places in our lives.
I'd had a pretty big meal on Saturday at a Jamaican themed potluck, and was in some significant abdominal discomfort on Sunday. It went beyond the bloating I'd experienced last cycle.
And then my nose bled, which was weird. Today, during one of our passing period tete-a-tetes about pregnancy (she's pregnant, I'm trying), my colleague K told me nose bleeds are a symptom of pregnancy, that your nose doesn't bleed profusely, but you do get some blood, which is what happened to me. It has something to do with how your blood vessels are expanding or something.
The abdominal pain could be an ovarian cyst, something that happens to about 10% of women who take Clomid. Since my insurance won't cover me for fertility treatment, I'm not being monitored by ultrasounds, so there's no knowing what's going on inside me. I will just have to wait and see, and assume things are Ok until I feel something different.
Lately, I've been thinking about how sometimes gut feelings come from fear, desire, or greed. And then there are times when gut feelings are prophetic, perhaps because some part of our minds tap into a greater wisdom. I've not yet mastered the ability to tell the difference, but for what it is worth, my gut feeling tells me that either a) I'm not pregnant and won't get pregnant, or b) I might have a boy.
With all the difficulty I've had with boy names, I've been thinking about Thelonious (after Monk) quite a bit. It is a mouthful, but Theo for short sounds good.
Incidentally, on one of my dates with the half-Greek librarian the name "Monk" came up. Of course, he was talking about the TV show and I was thinking about the jazz pianist. Perhaps that was a sign that it was definitely not meant to be.
I'd had a pretty big meal on Saturday at a Jamaican themed potluck, and was in some significant abdominal discomfort on Sunday. It went beyond the bloating I'd experienced last cycle.
And then my nose bled, which was weird. Today, during one of our passing period tete-a-tetes about pregnancy (she's pregnant, I'm trying), my colleague K told me nose bleeds are a symptom of pregnancy, that your nose doesn't bleed profusely, but you do get some blood, which is what happened to me. It has something to do with how your blood vessels are expanding or something.
The abdominal pain could be an ovarian cyst, something that happens to about 10% of women who take Clomid. Since my insurance won't cover me for fertility treatment, I'm not being monitored by ultrasounds, so there's no knowing what's going on inside me. I will just have to wait and see, and assume things are Ok until I feel something different.
Lately, I've been thinking about how sometimes gut feelings come from fear, desire, or greed. And then there are times when gut feelings are prophetic, perhaps because some part of our minds tap into a greater wisdom. I've not yet mastered the ability to tell the difference, but for what it is worth, my gut feeling tells me that either a) I'm not pregnant and won't get pregnant, or b) I might have a boy.
With all the difficulty I've had with boy names, I've been thinking about Thelonious (after Monk) quite a bit. It is a mouthful, but Theo for short sounds good.
Incidentally, on one of my dates with the half-Greek librarian the name "Monk" came up. Of course, he was talking about the TV show and I was thinking about the jazz pianist. Perhaps that was a sign that it was definitely not meant to be.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Mommy brain?
My colleague K, now in her fourth month of pregnancy, suggested I might already have mommy brain. Apparently, pregnant women are very absent-minded.
It is way too early to say, of course, but this morning I realized I needed gas for the commute. When I got to the gas station I promptly threw my credit card into the trash can, along with a banana peel and used coffee cup (not mine).
I looked under the car and car seat, and eventually had to stick my head into the large plastic trash can and fish around until I found my credit card.
I popped open the gas tank cover, but also popped open the trunk. I pumped gas, then got on Lakeshore Drive and cruised for a while before I realized my trunk was still open.
Duh.
IUI #2 was Apr 3, Saturday, around 630pm. It is hard to say when I detected a surge; it seems to have been sometime between 730pm and midnight Friday. I was out dancing, and at the dance studio it is hard to wait in a bathroom for ten minutes for the results to show up. I scheduled the appointment, then panicked when I thought it might be too early, and then panicked again when I thought it might be too late. The poor on-call health worker at CWHC tolerated my multiple phone calls, one waking her up shortly after 7am on Saturday morning, and was very patient and flexible.
The insemination itself was a bit uncomfortable this time. I actually felt it when she pushed the plunger, forcing the swimmers through the catheter. I hope everything ended up where it was supposed to. I did feel much calmer this time around, and was able to lie back, relax, and meditate for a bit before and after.
After the insemination I went home and watched a DVD, falling asleep and forgetting to take my progesterone. I woke up in the middle of the night with uncomfortable abdominal pressure on my left side, which has also been very sensitive during acupuncture. I hope it was ovulation pain, in which case the timing would have been good.
Easter Sunday I was eager to go to lunch with a large and loud Italian family, and also to see the Tony Kushner play The Illusion at the Court Theater, followed by dinner with friends M and F. I felt bloated and quite uncomfortable, so canceled all plans so I could lie around watching Masterpiece Mystery and making pad thai at home.
Thus I enter another 2ww.
Right before I left for my appointment, I sent an email to a handful of people in my study group at Siddha Yoga letting them know what I was doing and asking them to invoke some grace for me. In response, my friend J sent me this passage about courage:
It is way too early to say, of course, but this morning I realized I needed gas for the commute. When I got to the gas station I promptly threw my credit card into the trash can, along with a banana peel and used coffee cup (not mine).
I looked under the car and car seat, and eventually had to stick my head into the large plastic trash can and fish around until I found my credit card.
I popped open the gas tank cover, but also popped open the trunk. I pumped gas, then got on Lakeshore Drive and cruised for a while before I realized my trunk was still open.
Duh.
IUI #2 was Apr 3, Saturday, around 630pm. It is hard to say when I detected a surge; it seems to have been sometime between 730pm and midnight Friday. I was out dancing, and at the dance studio it is hard to wait in a bathroom for ten minutes for the results to show up. I scheduled the appointment, then panicked when I thought it might be too early, and then panicked again when I thought it might be too late. The poor on-call health worker at CWHC tolerated my multiple phone calls, one waking her up shortly after 7am on Saturday morning, and was very patient and flexible.
The insemination itself was a bit uncomfortable this time. I actually felt it when she pushed the plunger, forcing the swimmers through the catheter. I hope everything ended up where it was supposed to. I did feel much calmer this time around, and was able to lie back, relax, and meditate for a bit before and after.
After the insemination I went home and watched a DVD, falling asleep and forgetting to take my progesterone. I woke up in the middle of the night with uncomfortable abdominal pressure on my left side, which has also been very sensitive during acupuncture. I hope it was ovulation pain, in which case the timing would have been good.
Easter Sunday I was eager to go to lunch with a large and loud Italian family, and also to see the Tony Kushner play The Illusion at the Court Theater, followed by dinner with friends M and F. I felt bloated and quite uncomfortable, so canceled all plans so I could lie around watching Masterpiece Mystery and making pad thai at home.
Thus I enter another 2ww.
Right before I left for my appointment, I sent an email to a handful of people in my study group at Siddha Yoga letting them know what I was doing and asking them to invoke some grace for me. In response, my friend J sent me this passage about courage:
…having courage means engaging in every single situation as a blessing from God, as a loving gesture of nature. Courage means rising to meet the demands of each moment with total delight, knowing you are equal to it. Courage means having faith that within you is an innate force whose essence is never depleted by external events. Live your life courageously, dharmically, knowing that whatever you are faced with is not stronger than you are. You are equal to each other…
-- Gurumayi (Courage and Contentment, pp. 7-8; also in Sadhana of the Heart, p. 52)
And that, more or less, fits with what I've been thinking about the TTC process lately, that it isn't so much about making up for some lack or loss in my life, but rather, an act of love and courage, and possibly, an act of service to the universe. No matter what the difficulties and challenges, I will do my best and act with joy, fearlessness, and a sense of my dharmic duty with every step of this journey.Monday, March 22, 2010
Sisterhood of the Traveling Sperm
Apparently there is a new book coming out about how one woman bought vials of sperm, no longer had use for them, passed them on to a friend, who then passed them on to a third woman.
An excerpt is available here.
There is an oft-repeated trope in these stories, wherein the woman gets ready to pursue SMC-hood on her own, meets someone (always tall and handsome, of course) just at the right moment, who then not only provides fresh sperm (so much better than frozen), but also becomes the partner as well, making possible after all the dream that she had to grieve and relinquish in order to begin this journey in the first place.
I don't know where my Sprax is, but I suppose the appeal of these stories lies in the idea that the dream is still possible. Still, one can't sit around and wait for it. After all, "action is the antidote to despair," no?
And so, I will be taking actions, lots of them. On the TTC agenda this week: ordering swimmers from a new donor, planning IUI cycle #2, writing something about the TCM approach to fertility, and, most importantly, a meeting with the ex to see how he might be able to help with this process (not in the way you might think). Should be an interesting week.
An excerpt is available here.
There is an oft-repeated trope in these stories, wherein the woman gets ready to pursue SMC-hood on her own, meets someone (always tall and handsome, of course) just at the right moment, who then not only provides fresh sperm (so much better than frozen), but also becomes the partner as well, making possible after all the dream that she had to grieve and relinquish in order to begin this journey in the first place.
I don't know where my Sprax is, but I suppose the appeal of these stories lies in the idea that the dream is still possible. Still, one can't sit around and wait for it. After all, "action is the antidote to despair," no?
And so, I will be taking actions, lots of them. On the TTC agenda this week: ordering swimmers from a new donor, planning IUI cycle #2, writing something about the TCM approach to fertility, and, most importantly, a meeting with the ex to see how he might be able to help with this process (not in the way you might think). Should be an interesting week.
Friday, March 19, 2010
I call these names
In the spirit of Charlotte York, I call the following baby names:
Charlotte (my best friend from elementary school, not the SATC character)
Ella (after the singer, German origin)
Ananda (Sanskrit origins; ultimate bliss)
Felix (happy, fortunate)
Felicia (ditto)
Austen (after the writer)
Austin (after the city)
Variations of Frances, eg. Francesca, Francesco (after San Francesco d'Assisi)
Additional suggestions?
Charlotte (my best friend from elementary school, not the SATC character)
Ella (after the singer, German origin)
Ananda (Sanskrit origins; ultimate bliss)
Felix (happy, fortunate)
Felicia (ditto)
Austen (after the writer)
Austin (after the city)
Variations of Frances, eg. Francesca, Francesco (after San Francesco d'Assisi)
Additional suggestions?
Not pregnant, I think
I was confused about when exactly I should test. My first insemination was around 530pm the Thursday before last, and the second was early Friday morning, 2 weeks ago. The health workers at CWHC said I should test yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I don't even have that many pregnancy tests, because I gave half of them away.
I was going to wait but had to move about 75 pounds of solid wood up 3 flights of stairs yesterday (new bed frame arrived), and realized I probably shouldn't be doing this by myself if I was indeed pregnant. So I tested and it was negative. The result "Not Pregnant" came up quite clearly in a window on the Clear Blue Easy test.
I'm not sure what the point would be of me testing again today and tomorrow, but I still haven't gotten my period. They say Clomid delays the surge and the period, but as it turns out I surged exactly the same time I thought I would based on basal body temperature charts. Still, the Clomid is probably why I haven't gotten my period yet.
Anyway, I might test again today or tomorrow, or I might just wait for Aunt Flo, as it were. (I really don't like that name, but for what it is worth, it is another TTC acronym: AF for Aunt Flow.)
I'm disappointed, of course, but it confirms what I was feeling about a week ago, that things were feeling very normal and that it probably didn't take. I could speculate on the timing and all the factors that go into it, but at this point, I'm going to move forward and wait to start next cycle with a different donor. I might try for a mid-cycle ultrasound this time, and see if I can get a trigger shot to time the insemination more precisely.
One of the things that is a bit difficult about getting the BFN (big fat negative) is that you feel foolish for having hoped otherwise. I was thinking about names, for example. And I can imagine that the disappointment snowballs if you get month after month of BFNs, like many women do. Still, I keep in mind that even for healthy women using fresh sperm it takes 6-10 cycles to conceive, and my chances of success were only about 15%.
Thanks to all who were concerned enough to email or text yesterday. It is a lot of pressure getting questions from everyone at the end of the 2WW, so I ask that you wait for results here. The waiting is part of the journey too, but I do sincerely appreciate all of you being on this journey with me.
I was going to wait but had to move about 75 pounds of solid wood up 3 flights of stairs yesterday (new bed frame arrived), and realized I probably shouldn't be doing this by myself if I was indeed pregnant. So I tested and it was negative. The result "Not Pregnant" came up quite clearly in a window on the Clear Blue Easy test.
I'm not sure what the point would be of me testing again today and tomorrow, but I still haven't gotten my period. They say Clomid delays the surge and the period, but as it turns out I surged exactly the same time I thought I would based on basal body temperature charts. Still, the Clomid is probably why I haven't gotten my period yet.
Anyway, I might test again today or tomorrow, or I might just wait for Aunt Flo, as it were. (I really don't like that name, but for what it is worth, it is another TTC acronym: AF for Aunt Flow.)
I'm disappointed, of course, but it confirms what I was feeling about a week ago, that things were feeling very normal and that it probably didn't take. I could speculate on the timing and all the factors that go into it, but at this point, I'm going to move forward and wait to start next cycle with a different donor. I might try for a mid-cycle ultrasound this time, and see if I can get a trigger shot to time the insemination more precisely.
One of the things that is a bit difficult about getting the BFN (big fat negative) is that you feel foolish for having hoped otherwise. I was thinking about names, for example. And I can imagine that the disappointment snowballs if you get month after month of BFNs, like many women do. Still, I keep in mind that even for healthy women using fresh sperm it takes 6-10 cycles to conceive, and my chances of success were only about 15%.
Thanks to all who were concerned enough to email or text yesterday. It is a lot of pressure getting questions from everyone at the end of the 2WW, so I ask that you wait for results here. The waiting is part of the journey too, but I do sincerely appreciate all of you being on this journey with me.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday, people, Friday
The 2ww hasn't been very hard.
I missed a dose of progesterone. It ended up under my bed.
My digestive system is just weird. Today I felt sorry for the people nearby in my yoga class; more than usual some poses were forcing noxious fumes out of me.
I'm so bloated I've considered getting a bella band already so I can walk around with my jeans unzipped. I met with my AP students wearing really baggy, dusty sweat pants, pants I usually wear for cleaning.
Otherwise, I feel so normal I am convinced it didn't work.
But I will test on Friday, unless I get my period before then, so the answer to further questions about when I find out is TBA! You'll have to wait, like I do, to find out. (^_^)
I missed a dose of progesterone. It ended up under my bed.
My digestive system is just weird. Today I felt sorry for the people nearby in my yoga class; more than usual some poses were forcing noxious fumes out of me.
I'm so bloated I've considered getting a bella band already so I can walk around with my jeans unzipped. I met with my AP students wearing really baggy, dusty sweat pants, pants I usually wear for cleaning.
Otherwise, I feel so normal I am convinced it didn't work.
But I will test on Friday, unless I get my period before then, so the answer to further questions about when I find out is TBA! You'll have to wait, like I do, to find out. (^_^)
Friday, March 12, 2010
Progesterone under the bed
After insemination I was supposed to take a dose of progesterone every day for 14 days, at which point I pee on a stick and test for pregnancy. If I'm not pregnant, I can stop taking it. Progesterone is supposed promote gestation, hence the name. It helps make the uterine lining more conducive for implantation. So far I don't have any serious side effects from this, other than a bit of bloating and breast tenderness.
The progesterone comes in the form of little suppositories, about the size and shape of one of those foam ear plugs. Many pharmacies don't stock them; you have to go to a "compounding pharmacy" where they make the suppositories for you. The Walgreens at Clark and Barry in Lakeview makes them, but sometimes you have to wait a night to pick them up. I guess the people who work the night shift make the suppositories when things are slow. I am supposed to put one in every night.
Thursday morning I was sitting on my bedroom floor when I saw a white thing on the floor... I guess I hadn't done a good job putting in the suppository, so it slipped out when I was sleeping and fell under the bed. Ooops.
The health workers at CWHC say it is no big deal, and that I should just continue taking my nightly dose.
Yesterday was also the first day since insemination I started feeling more or less normal again. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the missed dose. Today I did a whole yoga workout without much modification. Physically, I definitely feel different now than I did the first five days. I'm wondering if feeling more like myself again means it didn't work. I have a gut feeling that it didn't work this time, but who knows? I'm already thinking ahead to the next cycle, to how I will be on break for the next 3 weeks and that the lack of stress will make it a better cycle somehow.
It feels weird to only be at the mid-point of my 2 week wait, but fortunately I'm feeling Ok about the waiting and the uncertainty.
One thing is for sure: I now feel quite wholeheartedly happy that I've started the process. I thought I would still have residual doubt, but I've been thinking about SMC-hood quite differently the past few months and now I know that I definitely want to try this, and will make my best efforts while leaving the rest up to the universe.
The progesterone comes in the form of little suppositories, about the size and shape of one of those foam ear plugs. Many pharmacies don't stock them; you have to go to a "compounding pharmacy" where they make the suppositories for you. The Walgreens at Clark and Barry in Lakeview makes them, but sometimes you have to wait a night to pick them up. I guess the people who work the night shift make the suppositories when things are slow. I am supposed to put one in every night.
Thursday morning I was sitting on my bedroom floor when I saw a white thing on the floor... I guess I hadn't done a good job putting in the suppository, so it slipped out when I was sleeping and fell under the bed. Ooops.
The health workers at CWHC say it is no big deal, and that I should just continue taking my nightly dose.
Yesterday was also the first day since insemination I started feeling more or less normal again. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the missed dose. Today I did a whole yoga workout without much modification. Physically, I definitely feel different now than I did the first five days. I'm wondering if feeling more like myself again means it didn't work. I have a gut feeling that it didn't work this time, but who knows? I'm already thinking ahead to the next cycle, to how I will be on break for the next 3 weeks and that the lack of stress will make it a better cycle somehow.
It feels weird to only be at the mid-point of my 2 week wait, but fortunately I'm feeling Ok about the waiting and the uncertainty.
One thing is for sure: I now feel quite wholeheartedly happy that I've started the process. I thought I would still have residual doubt, but I've been thinking about SMC-hood quite differently the past few months and now I know that I definitely want to try this, and will make my best efforts while leaving the rest up to the universe.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Preg-not-nant
The 2ww (2 week wait) is a very strange time.
I may be pregnant. I may be not pregnant. A funny lady at my alternative insemination support group dubbed it the state of "preg-not-nant." I won't know until day 14 (after insemination) when I take a pregnancy test, another stick on which I have to pee.
My body is doing strange things. Starting the day of the first insemination I had awful bloating and abdominal pressure. It did not feel like cramping, and did not feel like ovulation pain. I thought maybe I'd had two much papaya. The pressure didn't go away for about a day or two. Then I realized it was the Clomid at work. I hadn't felt anything from the Clomid so far, but I suppose the drug does what it is supposed to do even after you've taken your last dose.
Yesterday I woke up with what felt like too much core work during yoga class. My mid-abdominal muscles were sore. I went about my day mostly as usual, doing some yoga, trying out mattresses at the mattress store, contra dancing in a hot, crowded, sweaty room, and eating leftover Filipino noodles late at night.
My acupuncturist told me not to do yoga. She said too much stretching could cause miscarriage. This really surprised me because I always assumed yoga would help relax me and improve circulation. She'd said the first five days after insemination were really important, so I assume she meant I should only skip yoga this week. I certainly hope so, as I'm unlikely to want to give up a regular practice which has done wonders for me, body and soul, for the term of the pregnancy, IF I am pregnant that is.
I went to yoga anyway, but chatted with my yoga teacher beforehand about Dr. Yang's concerns. She was a bit surprised too, but said maybe I should just take it easy. So I did all the sun salutations and the standing poses, and avoided core work and anything that involved lying on my tummy. Then I went into savasana and dozed peacefully until the end of class. It was very pleasant, and hopefully did not prevent things from doing what they are supposed to do!
Throughout the entire thinking period I was caught up in the energy of overcoming obstacles. I felt like so many people had said NO to me, my insurance company, my ex-boyfriend, my sister's spirit medium (a good story for another time). It felt like the universe was telling me it did not approve of what I was doing. During the past few days, I realized that the universe has actually paved the way for me to become an SMC, and I've been too busy with worry and anxiety to notice all the positive, encouraging, amazing things that have come into my life.
I may be pregnant. I may be not pregnant. A funny lady at my alternative insemination support group dubbed it the state of "preg-not-nant." I won't know until day 14 (after insemination) when I take a pregnancy test, another stick on which I have to pee.
My body is doing strange things. Starting the day of the first insemination I had awful bloating and abdominal pressure. It did not feel like cramping, and did not feel like ovulation pain. I thought maybe I'd had two much papaya. The pressure didn't go away for about a day or two. Then I realized it was the Clomid at work. I hadn't felt anything from the Clomid so far, but I suppose the drug does what it is supposed to do even after you've taken your last dose.
Yesterday I woke up with what felt like too much core work during yoga class. My mid-abdominal muscles were sore. I went about my day mostly as usual, doing some yoga, trying out mattresses at the mattress store, contra dancing in a hot, crowded, sweaty room, and eating leftover Filipino noodles late at night.
My acupuncturist told me not to do yoga. She said too much stretching could cause miscarriage. This really surprised me because I always assumed yoga would help relax me and improve circulation. She'd said the first five days after insemination were really important, so I assume she meant I should only skip yoga this week. I certainly hope so, as I'm unlikely to want to give up a regular practice which has done wonders for me, body and soul, for the term of the pregnancy, IF I am pregnant that is.
I went to yoga anyway, but chatted with my yoga teacher beforehand about Dr. Yang's concerns. She was a bit surprised too, but said maybe I should just take it easy. So I did all the sun salutations and the standing poses, and avoided core work and anything that involved lying on my tummy. Then I went into savasana and dozed peacefully until the end of class. It was very pleasant, and hopefully did not prevent things from doing what they are supposed to do!
Throughout the entire thinking period I was caught up in the energy of overcoming obstacles. I felt like so many people had said NO to me, my insurance company, my ex-boyfriend, my sister's spirit medium (a good story for another time). It felt like the universe was telling me it did not approve of what I was doing. During the past few days, I realized that the universe has actually paved the way for me to become an SMC, and I've been too busy with worry and anxiety to notice all the positive, encouraging, amazing things that have come into my life.
- Having to drop out of graduate school gave me a stability I craved, and a stability I need to do this.
- I have a good job.
- The breakup freed me to go ahead with this instead of waiting for him to make up his mind.
- I have my own home, with a lake view! I always wanted a lake view, but never thought it was possible.
- New, supportive friends (even if they are sometimes a ball of anxiety) have come into my life and joined me on this journey.
- I have a fulfilling spiritual practice that would not have been possible while I was with my ex. There was just too much negative energy between us.
- Through Siddha Yoga I also have a support network of immensely wise and kind and generous people who will be there for me if I need it.
- Even though my insurance won't cover me, I found a non-profit that will do my inseminations for an affordable amount of money. They even approved my appeal to reduce my monthly fee a bit more, so I could potentially try more times.
Women often lament how difficult it is to not obsess over the results during the 2ww. I know that I will suffer from this too, but in the meantime, I try to practice gratitude for all the blessings I have, regardless of what the result will be.
Friday, March 5, 2010
IUI #1
After a few false starts, I finally made the transition from "thinking" to "trying" in Feb 2010. I started taking Clomid on days 5 through 9 of my cycle. Clomid is a commonly-used drug to stimulate the ovaries and make them produce more follicles. There is a chance of producing twins. On day 12 I began testing for a LH surge that would signal ovulation.
A very kind SMC in Chicago (who got pregnant on her second IUI), gave me a big bag of OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) she no longer needed.
This process is called Peeing On a Stick (POAS), but the test strips I was using actually had to be carefully dipped in a sample of urine, so I had to also get a bunch of little cups. I prefer this method to the peeing on a stick method, as that gets messy. The test sticks you pee on also come with individual plastic casings, which I think makes them a bit more expensive, not to mention a bit more wasteful in terms of resources.
The first time I tested I put the wrong end of the test strip into my pee. Nothing happened except things got soggy, and I didn't know how to read it. Luckily, my friend S had tested a week before, and learned how to use them. When it came time for me to test, we mulled over it through a series of back-and-forth text messages.
I used the OPKs from http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/. The strips are basic but inexpensive. The website contains detailed instructions, a video, and a gallery of positive test strips from the maker! On day 14 I started panicking when I didn't see a positive result. This was partly due to the fact that I'd counted as day one the day I started spotting around 7pm. Most REs tell their patients to count as day one the first day of full flow. Also, Clomid tends to alter ovulation (usually delaying it). This calculator helps you figure out the ovulation date after the last Clomid dose: http://babymed.com/Tools/fertility/clomid/Default.aspx.
Around 6pm on Wed Mar 3, I finally saw a positive LH surge through testing with an ovulation predictor kit.
On the afternoon of Thursday Mar 4 I went in to the Chicago Women's Health Center for my first insemination. The health worker thawed my frozen sperm, and put a half drop of it on a microscope slide and let me look at them. Many of the swimmers were swimming quite vigorously, which made me happy. (It only takes one, I kept telling myself.) Others were completely inert, still waiting to wake up from the thaw perhaps, and yet other swimmers were bumping around on the slide looking sluggish and confused, not unlike a man who refuses to ask for directions.
The insemination itself was really easy. As with many pelvic exams or PAP smears, the worst part was having the speculum put in. Once it was in, the health worker said she saw signs that I was definitely within my ovulating window. You can tell this by looking at the opening to the cervix (the os) and the amount of fertile cervical fluid coming out of it.
I didn't feel a thing as she threaded the catheter through the os and injected the sperm inside. I chatted with my friend S who was kind enough to come with me. Afterwards I lay on the table relaxing for about ten or fifteen minutes before getting up and getting dressed again.
The next day, Friday Mar 5, I went in first thing in the morning, for my second insemination. This one was a bit less comfortable because she had to adjust the speculum a few times. It also seemed to take longer to thread the catheter, but there was still fertile cervical fluid visible, which I took to be a good sign.
I start progesterone tonight, for 14 nights, before I take a pregnancy test. Chances of success with these procedures are about 15%, I believe.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
A very kind SMC in Chicago (who got pregnant on her second IUI), gave me a big bag of OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) she no longer needed.
This process is called Peeing On a Stick (POAS), but the test strips I was using actually had to be carefully dipped in a sample of urine, so I had to also get a bunch of little cups. I prefer this method to the peeing on a stick method, as that gets messy. The test sticks you pee on also come with individual plastic casings, which I think makes them a bit more expensive, not to mention a bit more wasteful in terms of resources.
The first time I tested I put the wrong end of the test strip into my pee. Nothing happened except things got soggy, and I didn't know how to read it. Luckily, my friend S had tested a week before, and learned how to use them. When it came time for me to test, we mulled over it through a series of back-and-forth text messages.
I used the OPKs from http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/. The strips are basic but inexpensive. The website contains detailed instructions, a video, and a gallery of positive test strips from the maker! On day 14 I started panicking when I didn't see a positive result. This was partly due to the fact that I'd counted as day one the day I started spotting around 7pm. Most REs tell their patients to count as day one the first day of full flow. Also, Clomid tends to alter ovulation (usually delaying it). This calculator helps you figure out the ovulation date after the last Clomid dose: http://babymed.com/Tools/fertility/clomid/Default.aspx.
Around 6pm on Wed Mar 3, I finally saw a positive LH surge through testing with an ovulation predictor kit.
On the afternoon of Thursday Mar 4 I went in to the Chicago Women's Health Center for my first insemination. The health worker thawed my frozen sperm, and put a half drop of it on a microscope slide and let me look at them. Many of the swimmers were swimming quite vigorously, which made me happy. (It only takes one, I kept telling myself.) Others were completely inert, still waiting to wake up from the thaw perhaps, and yet other swimmers were bumping around on the slide looking sluggish and confused, not unlike a man who refuses to ask for directions.
The insemination itself was really easy. As with many pelvic exams or PAP smears, the worst part was having the speculum put in. Once it was in, the health worker said she saw signs that I was definitely within my ovulating window. You can tell this by looking at the opening to the cervix (the os) and the amount of fertile cervical fluid coming out of it.
I didn't feel a thing as she threaded the catheter through the os and injected the sperm inside. I chatted with my friend S who was kind enough to come with me. Afterwards I lay on the table relaxing for about ten or fifteen minutes before getting up and getting dressed again.
The next day, Friday Mar 5, I went in first thing in the morning, for my second insemination. This one was a bit less comfortable because she had to adjust the speculum a few times. It also seemed to take longer to thread the catheter, but there was still fertile cervical fluid visible, which I took to be a good sign.
I start progesterone tonight, for 14 nights, before I take a pregnancy test. Chances of success with these procedures are about 15%, I believe.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Dating rant
This post is unrelated to my status as an SMC, except maybe for the fact that since I'm not desperately seeking to settle for someone just to have fresh (instead of frozen) sperm and a warm body with me as I become a mom, I feel I can afford to be a bit more discerning and perhaps less forgiving of the thoughtlessness rampant in the online dating world.
There are some things in the online dating world that bother me:
Age
Frequently I get winks (a slightly lazy, low-overhead, low-commitment way to indicate interest in a profile) from men in their mid 50s. I'm 38 so I don't have a big problem with that, especially if I'm going to become an SMC anyway. On closer inspection, however, these men indicate that the age range for women they are interested in meeting is 18-45. Seriously?? A man in his 50s wanting to meet someone possibly 18 years old? Does he realize that other women who might seriously consider meeting him would be completely turned off by seeing this in his profile?
Body type
On match.com you have to describe yourself as one of the following body types:
No answer
Slender
Athletic and toned
About average
Curvy
A few extra pounds
Stocky
Heavyset
Big and beautiful
Full-figured
Um, I don't really know the difference between some of these, but I consider myself about average. Actually, I consider myself as having a few extra pounds, but that is the kiss of death on online dating sites. If you list that in your profile, I don't think men will even see your profile as they often search with a much narrower set of body type criteria. Many, many promising profiles I've viewed list only TWO body types as desirable: slender, and athletic and toned. I usually don't bother trying to contact a man like that. Sure, men will be men, and they like what they like, and I'm sure I can be as shallow (I can't stand poor posture, for example), but a narrow body type preference just doesn't really say very positive things about a person. Besides I'm neither slender nor athletic/toned; I don't think that makes me unattractive or undesirable, but so many men seem to (according to their profiles).
I've NEVER seen anyone describe themselves as heavyset, big and beautiful, full-figured, or even curvy. Stocky I've seen about twice, and everyone who isn't about average or thinner says they have a few extra pounds, even if those few pounds are in excess of 20 or 30. But that's OK, since we all dwell in this shallow world and I myself could afford to eat less ice cream and be more svelte.
Race
I don't want to date the kind of man who only seeks out Asian women, and I don't care what they say to justify it, it is creepy. I don't list my race because I don't want it to be a searchable factor. (See It Only Takes One.) I always get the impression that what these men want is a flat, over-sexualized fantasy of a woman, exotic, submissive, petite, not too demanding, someone who will make him feel good about himself. In other words, not a real person with intellect and a unique personality.
It is also a red flag to me when a man lists a small range of ethnicities for the women he wants to meet. This is a very complex issue, because I can sort of understand if someone only wants to meet someone of their own ethnicity, even though I have never felt that way myself.
I am leery of someone who lists almost all ethnicities except African-American. Obviously, our ethnic backgrounds are not that clear-cut. Even if you want someone who looks a certain way, I'm Asian but could look quite different from someone from the Philipines or Indonesia or Malaysia. A woman who is of African descent could also be of some other descent, so how is she to categorize herself? I suppose the darker skin color trumps, when you have to put yourself into categories that don't really match reality. And besides, what is it about Asian women or African-American women that makes them all the same with everyone else in that category? You really can't say "culture," since that doesn't necessarily match skin color. You can't even say "hair color" anymore.
I'm not saying race doesn't matter, but the question of WHY it matters, and WHAT exactly matters when we pick someone of a certain race... well, that's too hard a question to get into right now. It is just a red flag to me when someone picks all possibilities but one.
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation
I'm not a great writer but I try. As a teacher, I can't help but care about how people write. I care about punctuation, grammar, and spelling. (See It Only Takes One.) So it is really sad and often funny to see a badly-written profile.
Cliches
Laid back? Easygoing? For me these are little baci of death. WHAT exactly does it say about you that you are laid back and easygoing? Are you lazy and don't really care about stuff? Do you not have your own views and opinions? Do you let others make decisions for you? Are you undiscriminating, undiscerning? Too much of a pothead? And what does it really say about you that you like "having fun" or "hanging out with friends"? Who doesn't?
I will stop ranting now.
In a way, these red flags are useful for weeding out the men we're not interested in. My single friends and I are always on the lookout for men who seem articulate, smart, funny, and genuine in their profiles. These are few and far between, but even if they turn out to be jerks in real life, it is cause for celebration that they didn't put a poorly-written, meaningless, or cliched profile into cyberspace. Then, you hope that they are actually nice, interesting people, and that they were truthful in their profiles.
There are some things in the online dating world that bother me:
Age
Frequently I get winks (a slightly lazy, low-overhead, low-commitment way to indicate interest in a profile) from men in their mid 50s. I'm 38 so I don't have a big problem with that, especially if I'm going to become an SMC anyway. On closer inspection, however, these men indicate that the age range for women they are interested in meeting is 18-45. Seriously?? A man in his 50s wanting to meet someone possibly 18 years old? Does he realize that other women who might seriously consider meeting him would be completely turned off by seeing this in his profile?
Body type
On match.com you have to describe yourself as one of the following body types:
No answer
Slender
Athletic and toned
About average
Curvy
A few extra pounds
Stocky
Heavyset
Big and beautiful
Full-figured
Um, I don't really know the difference between some of these, but I consider myself about average. Actually, I consider myself as having a few extra pounds, but that is the kiss of death on online dating sites. If you list that in your profile, I don't think men will even see your profile as they often search with a much narrower set of body type criteria. Many, many promising profiles I've viewed list only TWO body types as desirable: slender, and athletic and toned. I usually don't bother trying to contact a man like that. Sure, men will be men, and they like what they like, and I'm sure I can be as shallow (I can't stand poor posture, for example), but a narrow body type preference just doesn't really say very positive things about a person. Besides I'm neither slender nor athletic/toned; I don't think that makes me unattractive or undesirable, but so many men seem to (according to their profiles).
I've NEVER seen anyone describe themselves as heavyset, big and beautiful, full-figured, or even curvy. Stocky I've seen about twice, and everyone who isn't about average or thinner says they have a few extra pounds, even if those few pounds are in excess of 20 or 30. But that's OK, since we all dwell in this shallow world and I myself could afford to eat less ice cream and be more svelte.
Race
I don't want to date the kind of man who only seeks out Asian women, and I don't care what they say to justify it, it is creepy. I don't list my race because I don't want it to be a searchable factor. (See It Only Takes One.) I always get the impression that what these men want is a flat, over-sexualized fantasy of a woman, exotic, submissive, petite, not too demanding, someone who will make him feel good about himself. In other words, not a real person with intellect and a unique personality.
It is also a red flag to me when a man lists a small range of ethnicities for the women he wants to meet. This is a very complex issue, because I can sort of understand if someone only wants to meet someone of their own ethnicity, even though I have never felt that way myself.
I am leery of someone who lists almost all ethnicities except African-American. Obviously, our ethnic backgrounds are not that clear-cut. Even if you want someone who looks a certain way, I'm Asian but could look quite different from someone from the Philipines or Indonesia or Malaysia. A woman who is of African descent could also be of some other descent, so how is she to categorize herself? I suppose the darker skin color trumps, when you have to put yourself into categories that don't really match reality. And besides, what is it about Asian women or African-American women that makes them all the same with everyone else in that category? You really can't say "culture," since that doesn't necessarily match skin color. You can't even say "hair color" anymore.
I'm not saying race doesn't matter, but the question of WHY it matters, and WHAT exactly matters when we pick someone of a certain race... well, that's too hard a question to get into right now. It is just a red flag to me when someone picks all possibilities but one.
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation
I'm not a great writer but I try. As a teacher, I can't help but care about how people write. I care about punctuation, grammar, and spelling. (See It Only Takes One.) So it is really sad and often funny to see a badly-written profile.
Cliches
Laid back? Easygoing? For me these are little baci of death. WHAT exactly does it say about you that you are laid back and easygoing? Are you lazy and don't really care about stuff? Do you not have your own views and opinions? Do you let others make decisions for you? Are you undiscriminating, undiscerning? Too much of a pothead? And what does it really say about you that you like "having fun" or "hanging out with friends"? Who doesn't?
I will stop ranting now.
In a way, these red flags are useful for weeding out the men we're not interested in. My single friends and I are always on the lookout for men who seem articulate, smart, funny, and genuine in their profiles. These are few and far between, but even if they turn out to be jerks in real life, it is cause for celebration that they didn't put a poorly-written, meaningless, or cliched profile into cyberspace. Then, you hope that they are actually nice, interesting people, and that they were truthful in their profiles.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Escapades with liquid nitrogen
After insurance setback #1, I decided to proceed at the Chicago Women's Health Center, a non-profit dedicated to making health care available to all women. They have an alternative insemination program that has a sliding-scale monthly fee, which for me ends up being about the same as what I would pay at a fertility doctor with insurance coverage.
Chicago Women's Health Center
www.chicagowomenshealthcenter.org
3435 North Sheffield Avenue
Chicago, IL 60657-1641
(773) 935-6126
So, this week I had to pick up my swimmers and drive them from the fertility clinic to the non-profit in a liquid nitrogen tank. The andrologist at the fertility clinic was very sweet and very helpful; she charged up a tank and gave me instructions on how I should keep it from tipping over. "Strap it in like a baby," she said. I'm thinking, in a car seat? I don't have a car set. I did however set the tank in a box, and used the seat belt to secure it. I drove gingerly from the Gold Coast to Lakeview, and made it without mishap to the CWHC.
I walked in and announced to the receptionist "I brought sperm!"
I also got to watch them deposit the sperm in their nitrogen tank, which sat in the corner of an office, next to some filing cabinets. Needless to say, it was a very non-clinical type of atmosphere.
Afterwards I figured I no longer needed to keep the tank upright so I put it into the trunk of my car. As I was driving I heard something tip over, and then heard creaking noises coming from behind me. I pulled over and opened the trunk, only to have waves of dry-ice type fog flow out. The tank had indeed tipped over, and the liquid nitrogen in it had spilled out. I put it back in its upright position, and assumed no damage was done. Incidentally I had been driving around with a bag of stuff to return to my ex, but it was something I never really got around to doing. Some of the liquid nitrogen spilled on a couple of his CDs, but as far as I could tell they were still OK. I imagined the awkwardness of having to explain, as I returned his cracked belongings, that I'd accidentally spilled liquid nitrogen on them as I was escorting my sperm to my provider. This was a conversation better had in my head than in reality, I think.
I am not sure how many people have spilled liquid nitrogen in the back of their car while driving frozen sperm around town, but I must say I was glad I did not get pulled over or have to explain the oddness to a police officer. Perhaps I should call Car Talk and ask Click and Clack if I need to be concerned. I'm sure they would get a kick out of it.
Chicago Women's Health Center
www.chicagowomenshealthcenter.
3435 North Sheffield Avenue
Chicago, IL 60657-1641
(773) 935-6126
So, this week I had to pick up my swimmers and drive them from the fertility clinic to the non-profit in a liquid nitrogen tank. The andrologist at the fertility clinic was very sweet and very helpful; she charged up a tank and gave me instructions on how I should keep it from tipping over. "Strap it in like a baby," she said. I'm thinking, in a car seat? I don't have a car set. I did however set the tank in a box, and used the seat belt to secure it. I drove gingerly from the Gold Coast to Lakeview, and made it without mishap to the CWHC.
I walked in and announced to the receptionist "I brought sperm!"
I also got to watch them deposit the sperm in their nitrogen tank, which sat in the corner of an office, next to some filing cabinets. Needless to say, it was a very non-clinical type of atmosphere.
Afterwards I figured I no longer needed to keep the tank upright so I put it into the trunk of my car. As I was driving I heard something tip over, and then heard creaking noises coming from behind me. I pulled over and opened the trunk, only to have waves of dry-ice type fog flow out. The tank had indeed tipped over, and the liquid nitrogen in it had spilled out. I put it back in its upright position, and assumed no damage was done. Incidentally I had been driving around with a bag of stuff to return to my ex, but it was something I never really got around to doing. Some of the liquid nitrogen spilled on a couple of his CDs, but as far as I could tell they were still OK. I imagined the awkwardness of having to explain, as I returned his cracked belongings, that I'd accidentally spilled liquid nitrogen on them as I was escorting my sperm to my provider. This was a conversation better had in my head than in reality, I think.
I am not sure how many people have spilled liquid nitrogen in the back of their car while driving frozen sperm around town, but I must say I was glad I did not get pulled over or have to explain the oddness to a police officer. Perhaps I should call Car Talk and ask Click and Clack if I need to be concerned. I'm sure they would get a kick out of it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Getting pinned
Several weeks before starting TTC I called and made an appointment with Dr. Yang, a Chinese acupuncturist who specializes in fertility. My friend S had seen her years ago for fertility acupuncture, and had many positive things to say about her.
I found her office on Michigan Ave, a pretty utilitarian space with a small waiting area and fluorescent lighting. Her clients seemed quite multi-national; there was an African man there waiting for his wife, and a Chinese man waiting for his wife. Perhaps Chinese acupuncturists have a different attitude towards patient privacy, or perhaps she assumed nobody could understand her conversation in Chinese, but as I filled out forms I listened to Dr. Yang talk to this man in Chinese about how he could improve the potency of his sperm by avoiding hot tubs and too many soy products.
Our consultation was encouraging. She looked at my medical history and asked me some questions. She was very knowledgeable about fertility, and all the Western procedures and protocols for IUIs, IVFs, and so on. She took my pulse, examined my tongue, and said 还不错 (haibucuo - not bad). I had no specific fertility problems to address, but wanted to do what I could to make sure my inseminations would be successful. So she began a series of treatments to help stimulate and regulate the ovaries, and to help reduce stress.
I love acupuncture, even though it actually does hurt a little bit. You lie down on this table, she sticks a bunch of pins into you at the magic places, then turns off the lights, turns on a heat lamp over your feet, pipes in some cheesy Chinese restaurant music, and leaves you for a while. Sometimes she tells me to relax; other times she tells me to breathe deeply and focus on my abdominal area. It is supposed to be a half hour, but I loose track of time, doze off, and am often slightly startled when she bustles back into the room and turns the lights back on.
She also gave me some generic Chinese herbal pills for women. I'd asked about herbal medicine, what my colleague L likes to call "nastea," but she said it might be too strong for me.
For now, I'm going about once a week, sometimes more. She wants me to come in more often right before and after the insemination. She charges less than other places, but she also wants you to come in more often.
This is one classic example of the type of decision you have to make during TTC, which can be an incredibly expensive process. Do you pay for acupuncture, with the hope that it will save you money in the long run? Do you buy 2 vials and have 2 inseminations per cycle, with the hope that it will cover your fertile window a bit more and save you from having to pay for another insemination? Do you risk having multiples with the hormone medication, knowing things will cost twice as much in the future?
I don't have any answers, but am practicing making my efforts while letting the universe take care of things I can't control. I like acupuncture, and do find that it seems to be doing something. My abdominal area tingles after treatment, and I do feel relaxed. Besides, I like talking to Dr. Yang; she is the only doctor giving me any advice at the moment.
Dr. Licai Yang has offices in Chicago and the suburbs.
http://www.fertility-fertility-fertility.com/
She charges $90 for the first treatment with consultation, and $60 for each subsequent visit. She has very flexible hours, including evenings and weekends.
Another great resource is Randine Lewis's book The Infertility Cure. She explains the TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) approach to fertility in great detail, and suggests many things you can do on your own to regulate the systems that affect fertility.
I found her office on Michigan Ave, a pretty utilitarian space with a small waiting area and fluorescent lighting. Her clients seemed quite multi-national; there was an African man there waiting for his wife, and a Chinese man waiting for his wife. Perhaps Chinese acupuncturists have a different attitude towards patient privacy, or perhaps she assumed nobody could understand her conversation in Chinese, but as I filled out forms I listened to Dr. Yang talk to this man in Chinese about how he could improve the potency of his sperm by avoiding hot tubs and too many soy products.
Our consultation was encouraging. She looked at my medical history and asked me some questions. She was very knowledgeable about fertility, and all the Western procedures and protocols for IUIs, IVFs, and so on. She took my pulse, examined my tongue, and said 还不错 (haibucuo - not bad). I had no specific fertility problems to address, but wanted to do what I could to make sure my inseminations would be successful. So she began a series of treatments to help stimulate and regulate the ovaries, and to help reduce stress.
I love acupuncture, even though it actually does hurt a little bit. You lie down on this table, she sticks a bunch of pins into you at the magic places, then turns off the lights, turns on a heat lamp over your feet, pipes in some cheesy Chinese restaurant music, and leaves you for a while. Sometimes she tells me to relax; other times she tells me to breathe deeply and focus on my abdominal area. It is supposed to be a half hour, but I loose track of time, doze off, and am often slightly startled when she bustles back into the room and turns the lights back on.
She also gave me some generic Chinese herbal pills for women. I'd asked about herbal medicine, what my colleague L likes to call "nastea," but she said it might be too strong for me.
For now, I'm going about once a week, sometimes more. She wants me to come in more often right before and after the insemination. She charges less than other places, but she also wants you to come in more often.
This is one classic example of the type of decision you have to make during TTC, which can be an incredibly expensive process. Do you pay for acupuncture, with the hope that it will save you money in the long run? Do you buy 2 vials and have 2 inseminations per cycle, with the hope that it will cover your fertile window a bit more and save you from having to pay for another insemination? Do you risk having multiples with the hormone medication, knowing things will cost twice as much in the future?
I don't have any answers, but am practicing making my efforts while letting the universe take care of things I can't control. I like acupuncture, and do find that it seems to be doing something. My abdominal area tingles after treatment, and I do feel relaxed. Besides, I like talking to Dr. Yang; she is the only doctor giving me any advice at the moment.
Dr. Licai Yang has offices in Chicago and the suburbs.
http://www.fertility-fertility-fertility.com/
She charges $90 for the first treatment with consultation, and $60 for each subsequent visit. She has very flexible hours, including evenings and weekends.
Another great resource is Randine Lewis's book The Infertility Cure. She explains the TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) approach to fertility in great detail, and suggests many things you can do on your own to regulate the systems that affect fertility.
Friday, February 5, 2010
What is an SMC?
An SMC is a single mother by choice. As I ventured deeper into this world I discovered there were thousands of women like me here in the US and around the world. We shared similar stories, similar hopes and dreams, and yet could also be very different in our backgrounds and values. I interact with SMCs every day, and in hearing their stories, realized how unremarkable my own journey is.
Occasionally I toss out the terms SMC or choice mom in conversation, perhaps because I hope it becomes less of an unusual idea. Sometimes I'm surprised to find that others have an intimate connection with SMCs. My friend N, for example, a 30-ish grad student and mom to a 2 year old, had an aunt who had a child through donor insemination over twenty years ago. When I brought up my own thoughts about becoming an SMC, there was nothing surprising about it to her, which was nice.
In truth, my efforts to promote awareness of SMCs have been half-hearted. Not everyone approves, of course, often blaming the moms for being selfish in bringing a child into the world without a father, going against the natural order of things, or using a child to satisfy their own emotional needs. I figure the people who are not going to approve are not going to approve, and their judgment of me doesn't really matter. However, I would hesitate to bring this up with someone unless I felt they were going to treat it with respect, empathy, and compassion. I certainly did not need a lot of negative energy and judgmental thoughts (I can manage those on my own, thank you very much) while carefully thinking through my decision and plan of action.
As for the child not having a father, I believe that my child will have a father, even if he or she does not have one at birth. I am convinced that I will meet someone who will be my husband, life partner, lover, and friend. However, I am not so sure that this will happen during my child-bearing years. I've done my share of trying to meet someone, and men on online dating sites who still want to form families don't always look at women over the age of 36. I expect that being an SMC takes the pressure off of dating and relationships, and that once I have a child, I can date without the pressure of finding someone in time to have a baby. SMCs who have gotten married after having their child say that their relationships are much better at this point in their life, when the pressure from the biological clock is off.
Perhaps all it takes is someone with J-Lo's celebrity status to make the masses more aware, and perhaps less disapproving, of choice motherhood. In the soon-to-be-released movie The Backup Plan, J-Lo plays a young woman who goes through artifical insemination to have a baby, only to then meet the man of her dreams. Yes, I'm sure this happens to all SMCs. Still, it might be worth a laugh.
Single moms certainly are not unusual, but the basic difference is that most SMCs identify themselves quite strongly as women who have made a decision not to wait for marriage, and who have carefully considered the social, emotional, financial, and legal issues before proceeding to become mothers on their own through donor insemination or adoption. They are usually financially stable, and in their 30s or 40s.
Some other SMCs became part of the group when they unintentionally became pregnant and decided they did not necessarily want to get married or coparent with someone.
For those considering this or curious about this, here are some useful resources. The first is SMC, founded by Jane Mattes in 1981. Membership in SMC gives you access to a number of email discussion groups where thousands of wise, generous, and brave women share their experiences and support each other in choice motherhood. This has been a lifeline for me.
http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com/
http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com/index.cfm?id=6
http://www.knockyourselfup.com/Home.html
Occasionally I toss out the terms SMC or choice mom in conversation, perhaps because I hope it becomes less of an unusual idea. Sometimes I'm surprised to find that others have an intimate connection with SMCs. My friend N, for example, a 30-ish grad student and mom to a 2 year old, had an aunt who had a child through donor insemination over twenty years ago. When I brought up my own thoughts about becoming an SMC, there was nothing surprising about it to her, which was nice.
In truth, my efforts to promote awareness of SMCs have been half-hearted. Not everyone approves, of course, often blaming the moms for being selfish in bringing a child into the world without a father, going against the natural order of things, or using a child to satisfy their own emotional needs. I figure the people who are not going to approve are not going to approve, and their judgment of me doesn't really matter. However, I would hesitate to bring this up with someone unless I felt they were going to treat it with respect, empathy, and compassion. I certainly did not need a lot of negative energy and judgmental thoughts (I can manage those on my own, thank you very much) while carefully thinking through my decision and plan of action.
As for the child not having a father, I believe that my child will have a father, even if he or she does not have one at birth. I am convinced that I will meet someone who will be my husband, life partner, lover, and friend. However, I am not so sure that this will happen during my child-bearing years. I've done my share of trying to meet someone, and men on online dating sites who still want to form families don't always look at women over the age of 36. I expect that being an SMC takes the pressure off of dating and relationships, and that once I have a child, I can date without the pressure of finding someone in time to have a baby. SMCs who have gotten married after having their child say that their relationships are much better at this point in their life, when the pressure from the biological clock is off.
Perhaps all it takes is someone with J-Lo's celebrity status to make the masses more aware, and perhaps less disapproving, of choice motherhood. In the soon-to-be-released movie The Backup Plan, J-Lo plays a young woman who goes through artifical insemination to have a baby, only to then meet the man of her dreams. Yes, I'm sure this happens to all SMCs. Still, it might be worth a laugh.
Single moms certainly are not unusual, but the basic difference is that most SMCs identify themselves quite strongly as women who have made a decision not to wait for marriage, and who have carefully considered the social, emotional, financial, and legal issues before proceeding to become mothers on their own through donor insemination or adoption. They are usually financially stable, and in their 30s or 40s.
Some other SMCs became part of the group when they unintentionally became pregnant and decided they did not necessarily want to get married or coparent with someone.
For those considering this or curious about this, here are some useful resources. The first is SMC, founded by Jane Mattes in 1981. Membership in SMC gives you access to a number of email discussion groups where thousands of wise, generous, and brave women share their experiences and support each other in choice motherhood. This has been a lifeline for me.
http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com/
http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com/index.cfm?id=6
http://www.knockyourselfup.com/Home.html
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Acronyms
Some acronyms useful for understanding the process of trying to conceive:
SMC: Single mother by choice
TTC: trying to conceive
FSH: follicle stimulating hormone
2ww: two week wait between insemination and pregnancy test
BFP: big fat positive (on a pregnancy test)
BFN: big fat negative (on a pregnancy test)
T42: trying for #2
OPK: ovulation predictor kits
POAS: peeing on a stick
SMC: Single mother by choice
TTC: trying to conceive
FSH: follicle stimulating hormone
2ww: two week wait between insemination and pregnancy test
BFP: big fat positive (on a pregnancy test)
BFN: big fat negative (on a pregnancy test)
T42: trying for #2
OPK: ovulation predictor kits
POAS: peeing on a stick
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