Dating rant

This post is unrelated to my status as an SMC, except maybe for the fact that since I'm not desperately seeking to settle for someone just to have fresh (instead of frozen) sperm and a warm body with me as I become a mom, I feel I can afford to be a bit more discerning and perhaps less forgiving of the thoughtlessness rampant in the online dating world.

There are some things in the online dating world that bother me:

Age
Frequently I get winks (a slightly lazy, low-overhead, low-commitment way to indicate interest in a profile) from men in their mid 50s. I'm 38 so I don't have a big problem with that, especially if I'm going to become an SMC anyway. On closer inspection, however, these men indicate that the age range for women they are interested in meeting is 18-45. Seriously?? A man in his 50s wanting to meet someone possibly 18 years old? Does he realize that other women who might seriously consider meeting him would be completely turned off by seeing this in his profile?

Body type
On match.com you have to describe yourself as one of the following body types:

No answer
Slender
Athletic and toned
About average
Curvy
A few extra pounds
Stocky
Heavyset
Big and beautiful
Full-figured

Um, I don't really know the difference between some of these, but I consider myself about average. Actually, I consider myself as having a few extra pounds, but that is the kiss of death on online dating sites. If you list that in your profile, I don't think men will even see your profile as they often search with a much narrower set of body type criteria. Many, many promising profiles I've viewed list only TWO body types as desirable: slender, and athletic and toned. I usually don't bother trying to contact a man like that. Sure, men will be men, and they like what they like, and I'm sure I can be as shallow (I can't stand poor posture, for example), but a narrow body type preference just doesn't really say very positive things about a person. Besides I'm neither slender nor athletic/toned; I don't think that makes me unattractive or undesirable, but so many men seem to (according to their profiles).

I've NEVER seen anyone describe themselves as heavyset, big and beautiful, full-figured, or even curvy. Stocky I've seen about twice, and everyone who isn't about average or thinner says they have a few extra pounds, even if those few pounds are in excess of 20 or 30. But that's OK, since we all dwell in this shallow world and I myself could afford to eat less ice cream and be more svelte.

Race
I don't want to date the kind of man who only seeks out Asian women, and I don't care what they say to justify it, it is creepy. I don't list my race because I don't want it to be a searchable factor. (See It Only Takes One.) I always get the impression that what these men want is a flat, over-sexualized fantasy of a woman, exotic, submissive, petite, not too demanding, someone who will make him feel good about himself. In other words, not a real person with intellect and a unique personality.

It is also a red flag to me when a man lists a small range of ethnicities for the women he wants to meet. This is a very complex issue, because I can sort of understand if someone only wants to meet someone of their own ethnicity, even though I have never felt that way myself.

I am leery of someone who lists almost all ethnicities except African-American. Obviously, our ethnic backgrounds are not that clear-cut. Even if you want someone who looks a certain way, I'm Asian but could look quite different from someone from the Philipines or Indonesia or Malaysia. A woman who is of African descent could also be of some other descent, so how is she to categorize herself? I suppose the darker skin color trumps, when you have to put yourself into categories that don't really match reality. And besides, what is it about Asian women or African-American women that makes them all the same with everyone else in that category? You really can't say "culture," since that doesn't necessarily match skin color. You can't even say "hair color" anymore.

I'm not saying race doesn't matter, but the question of WHY it matters, and WHAT exactly matters when we pick someone of a certain race... well, that's too hard a question to get into right now. It is just a red flag to me when someone picks all possibilities but one.

Spelling, grammar, and punctuation
I'm not a great writer but I try. As a teacher, I can't help but care about how people write. I care about punctuation, grammar, and spelling. (See It Only Takes One.) So it is really sad and often funny to see a badly-written profile.

Cliches
Laid back? Easygoing? For me these are little baci of death. WHAT exactly does it say about you that you are laid back and easygoing? Are you lazy and don't really care about stuff? Do you not have your own views and opinions? Do you let others make decisions for you? Are you undiscriminating, undiscerning? Too much of a pothead? And what does it really say about you that you like "having fun" or "hanging out with friends"? Who doesn't?


I will stop ranting now.

In a way, these red flags are useful for weeding out the men we're not interested in. My single friends and I are always on the lookout for men who seem articulate, smart, funny, and genuine in their profiles. These are few and far between, but even if they turn out to be jerks in real life, it is cause for celebration that they didn't put a poorly-written, meaningless, or cliched profile into cyberspace. Then, you hope that they are actually nice, interesting people, and that they were truthful in their profiles.