I may be pregnant. I may be not pregnant. A funny lady at my alternative insemination support group dubbed it the state of "preg-not-nant." I won't know until day 14 (after insemination) when I take a pregnancy test, another stick on which I have to pee.
My body is doing strange things. Starting the day of the first insemination I had awful bloating and abdominal pressure. It did not feel like cramping, and did not feel like ovulation pain. I thought maybe I'd had two much papaya. The pressure didn't go away for about a day or two. Then I realized it was the Clomid at work. I hadn't felt anything from the Clomid so far, but I suppose the drug does what it is supposed to do even after you've taken your last dose.
Yesterday I woke up with what felt like too much core work during yoga class. My mid-abdominal muscles were sore. I went about my day mostly as usual, doing some yoga, trying out mattresses at the mattress store, contra dancing in a hot, crowded, sweaty room, and eating leftover Filipino noodles late at night.
My acupuncturist told me not to do yoga. She said too much stretching could cause miscarriage. This really surprised me because I always assumed yoga would help relax me and improve circulation. She'd said the first five days after insemination were really important, so I assume she meant I should only skip yoga this week. I certainly hope so, as I'm unlikely to want to give up a regular practice which has done wonders for me, body and soul, for the term of the pregnancy, IF I am pregnant that is.
I went to yoga anyway, but chatted with my yoga teacher beforehand about Dr. Yang's concerns. She was a bit surprised too, but said maybe I should just take it easy. So I did all the sun salutations and the standing poses, and avoided core work and anything that involved lying on my tummy. Then I went into savasana and dozed peacefully until the end of class. It was very pleasant, and hopefully did not prevent things from doing what they are supposed to do!
Throughout the entire thinking period I was caught up in the energy of overcoming obstacles. I felt like so many people had said NO to me, my insurance company, my ex-boyfriend, my sister's spirit medium (a good story for another time). It felt like the universe was telling me it did not approve of what I was doing. During the past few days, I realized that the universe has actually paved the way for me to become an SMC, and I've been too busy with worry and anxiety to notice all the positive, encouraging, amazing things that have come into my life.
- Having to drop out of graduate school gave me a stability I craved, and a stability I need to do this.
- I have a good job.
- The breakup freed me to go ahead with this instead of waiting for him to make up his mind.
- I have my own home, with a lake view! I always wanted a lake view, but never thought it was possible.
- New, supportive friends (even if they are sometimes a ball of anxiety) have come into my life and joined me on this journey.
- I have a fulfilling spiritual practice that would not have been possible while I was with my ex. There was just too much negative energy between us.
- Through Siddha Yoga I also have a support network of immensely wise and kind and generous people who will be there for me if I need it.
- Even though my insurance won't cover me, I found a non-profit that will do my inseminations for an affordable amount of money. They even approved my appeal to reduce my monthly fee a bit more, so I could potentially try more times.
Women often lament how difficult it is to not obsess over the results during the 2ww. I know that I will suffer from this too, but in the meantime, I try to practice gratitude for all the blessings I have, regardless of what the result will be.
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