SMC in the news (thanks to J Lo?)

Last week I went on a first date with a divorced grant writer with two children of his own, 16 and 13 years of age. I did something I hadn't done before: I told him even before we met that I was planning on becoming an SMC.

He was very supportive of the idea and even suggested we go see J-Lo's new movie The Backup Plan together. Notwithstanding his taste in films, I found him kind and empathetic. He understood the desire to have a family and why I would consider this.

I haven't seen the movie, but I've known about it for months. Two other SMC-themed movies are supposed to hit the silver screen in the near future. Word on the SMC boards is that perhaps one of those will be better. Some found that The Backup Plan did not resonate, as they had never thought of SMC-hood as Plan B. Others did not care for the caricatures of single moms as militant ideologues on issues like breastfeeding.

At any rate, SMCs are in the news at the moment:

Interview with Louise Sloan, author of Knock Yourself Up

Today Show segment: More moms having children on their own?

Nose bleeds and other indignities

Yesterday, day 8 of the 2ww, was quite an uncomfortable day. I got up early to help cook brunch at the Siddha Yoga Meditation Center. My abdomen felt tense and uncomfortable the whole time, but part of it was the fatigue, I think. I had acupuncture, ran an errand, then had dim sum with my friend G, who was equally if not more tired. She was tired because she'd had too much to drink at a wedding the night before, which reminded me how much we were at different places in our lives.

I'd had a pretty big meal on Saturday at a Jamaican themed potluck, and was in some significant abdominal discomfort on Sunday. It went beyond the bloating I'd experienced last cycle.

And then my nose bled, which was weird. Today, during one of our passing period tete-a-tetes about pregnancy (she's pregnant, I'm trying), my colleague K told me nose bleeds are a symptom of pregnancy, that your nose doesn't bleed profusely, but you do get some blood, which is what happened to me. It has something to do with how your blood vessels are expanding or something.

The abdominal pain could be an ovarian cyst, something that happens to about 10% of women who take Clomid. Since my insurance won't cover me for fertility treatment, I'm not being monitored by ultrasounds, so there's no knowing what's going on inside me. I will just have to wait and see, and assume things are Ok until I feel something different.

Lately, I've been thinking about how sometimes gut feelings come from fear, desire, or greed. And then there are times when gut feelings are prophetic, perhaps because some part of our minds tap into a greater wisdom. I've not yet mastered the ability to tell the difference, but for what it is worth, my gut feeling tells me that either a) I'm not pregnant and won't get pregnant, or b) I might have a boy.

With all the difficulty I've had with boy names, I've been thinking about Thelonious (after Monk) quite a bit. It is a mouthful, but Theo for short sounds good.

Incidentally, on one of my dates with the half-Greek librarian the name "Monk" came up. Of course, he was talking about the TV show and I was thinking about the jazz pianist. Perhaps that was a sign that it was definitely not meant to be.

Mommy brain?

My colleague K, now in her fourth month of pregnancy, suggested I might already have mommy brain. Apparently, pregnant women are very absent-minded.

It is way too early to say, of course, but this morning I realized I needed gas for the commute. When I got to the gas station I promptly threw my credit card into the trash can, along with a banana peel and used coffee cup (not mine).

I looked under the car and car seat, and eventually had to stick my head into the large plastic trash can and fish around until I found my credit card.

I popped open the gas tank cover, but also popped open the trunk. I pumped gas, then got on Lakeshore Drive and cruised for a while before I realized my trunk was still open.

Duh.

IUI #2 was Apr 3, Saturday, around 630pm. It is hard to say when I detected a surge; it seems to have been sometime between 730pm and midnight Friday. I was out dancing, and at the dance studio it is hard to wait in a bathroom for ten minutes for the results to show up. I scheduled the appointment, then panicked when I thought it might be too early, and then panicked again when I thought it might be too late. The poor on-call health worker at CWHC tolerated my multiple phone calls, one waking her up shortly after 7am on Saturday morning, and was very patient and flexible.

The insemination itself was a bit uncomfortable this time. I actually felt it when she pushed the plunger, forcing the swimmers through the catheter. I hope everything ended up where it was supposed to. I did feel much calmer this time around, and was able to lie back, relax, and meditate for a bit before and after.

After the insemination I went home and watched a DVD, falling asleep and forgetting to take my progesterone. I woke up in the middle of the night with uncomfortable abdominal pressure on my left side, which has also been very sensitive during acupuncture. I hope it was ovulation pain, in which case the timing would have been good.

Easter Sunday I was eager to go to lunch with a large and loud Italian family, and also to see the Tony Kushner play The Illusion at the Court Theater, followed by dinner with friends M and F. I felt bloated and quite uncomfortable, so canceled all plans so I could lie around watching Masterpiece Mystery and making pad thai at home.

Thus I enter another 2ww.

Right before I left for my appointment, I sent an email to a handful of people in my study group at Siddha Yoga letting them know what I was doing and asking them to invoke some grace for me. In response, my friend J sent me this passage about courage:

…having courage means engaging in every single situation as a blessing from God, as a loving gesture of nature. Courage means rising to meet the demands of each moment with total delight, knowing you are equal to it. Courage means having faith that within you is an innate force whose essence is never depleted by external events. Live your life courageously, dharmically, knowing that whatever you are faced with is not stronger than you are. You are equal to each other…

-- Gurumayi (Courage and Contentment, pp. 7-8; also in Sadhana of the Heart, p. 52)

And that, more or less, fits with what I've been thinking about the TTC process lately, that it isn't so much about making up for some lack or loss in my life, but rather, an act of love and courage, and possibly, an act of service to the universe. No matter what the difficulties and challenges, I will do my best and act with joy, fearlessness, and a sense of my dharmic duty with every step of this journey.