Apparently there is a new book coming out about how one woman bought vials of sperm, no longer had use for them, passed them on to a friend, who then passed them on to a third woman.
An excerpt is available here.
There is an oft-repeated trope in these stories, wherein the woman gets ready to pursue SMC-hood on her own, meets someone (always tall and handsome, of course) just at the right moment, who then not only provides fresh sperm (so much better than frozen), but also becomes the partner as well, making possible after all the dream that she had to grieve and relinquish in order to begin this journey in the first place.
I don't know where my Sprax is, but I suppose the appeal of these stories lies in the idea that the dream is still possible. Still, one can't sit around and wait for it. After all, "action is the antidote to despair," no?
And so, I will be taking actions, lots of them. On the TTC agenda this week: ordering swimmers from a new donor, planning IUI cycle #2, writing something about the TCM approach to fertility, and, most importantly, a meeting with the ex to see how he might be able to help with this process (not in the way you might think). Should be an interesting week.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
I call these names
In the spirit of Charlotte York, I call the following baby names:
Charlotte (my best friend from elementary school, not the SATC character)
Ella (after the singer, German origin)
Ananda (Sanskrit origins; ultimate bliss)
Felix (happy, fortunate)
Felicia (ditto)
Austen (after the writer)
Austin (after the city)
Variations of Frances, eg. Francesca, Francesco (after San Francesco d'Assisi)
Additional suggestions?
Charlotte (my best friend from elementary school, not the SATC character)
Ella (after the singer, German origin)
Ananda (Sanskrit origins; ultimate bliss)
Felix (happy, fortunate)
Felicia (ditto)
Austen (after the writer)
Austin (after the city)
Variations of Frances, eg. Francesca, Francesco (after San Francesco d'Assisi)
Additional suggestions?
Not pregnant, I think
I was confused about when exactly I should test. My first insemination was around 530pm the Thursday before last, and the second was early Friday morning, 2 weeks ago. The health workers at CWHC said I should test yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I don't even have that many pregnancy tests, because I gave half of them away.
I was going to wait but had to move about 75 pounds of solid wood up 3 flights of stairs yesterday (new bed frame arrived), and realized I probably shouldn't be doing this by myself if I was indeed pregnant. So I tested and it was negative. The result "Not Pregnant" came up quite clearly in a window on the Clear Blue Easy test.
I'm not sure what the point would be of me testing again today and tomorrow, but I still haven't gotten my period. They say Clomid delays the surge and the period, but as it turns out I surged exactly the same time I thought I would based on basal body temperature charts. Still, the Clomid is probably why I haven't gotten my period yet.
Anyway, I might test again today or tomorrow, or I might just wait for Aunt Flo, as it were. (I really don't like that name, but for what it is worth, it is another TTC acronym: AF for Aunt Flow.)
I'm disappointed, of course, but it confirms what I was feeling about a week ago, that things were feeling very normal and that it probably didn't take. I could speculate on the timing and all the factors that go into it, but at this point, I'm going to move forward and wait to start next cycle with a different donor. I might try for a mid-cycle ultrasound this time, and see if I can get a trigger shot to time the insemination more precisely.
One of the things that is a bit difficult about getting the BFN (big fat negative) is that you feel foolish for having hoped otherwise. I was thinking about names, for example. And I can imagine that the disappointment snowballs if you get month after month of BFNs, like many women do. Still, I keep in mind that even for healthy women using fresh sperm it takes 6-10 cycles to conceive, and my chances of success were only about 15%.
Thanks to all who were concerned enough to email or text yesterday. It is a lot of pressure getting questions from everyone at the end of the 2WW, so I ask that you wait for results here. The waiting is part of the journey too, but I do sincerely appreciate all of you being on this journey with me.
I was going to wait but had to move about 75 pounds of solid wood up 3 flights of stairs yesterday (new bed frame arrived), and realized I probably shouldn't be doing this by myself if I was indeed pregnant. So I tested and it was negative. The result "Not Pregnant" came up quite clearly in a window on the Clear Blue Easy test.
I'm not sure what the point would be of me testing again today and tomorrow, but I still haven't gotten my period. They say Clomid delays the surge and the period, but as it turns out I surged exactly the same time I thought I would based on basal body temperature charts. Still, the Clomid is probably why I haven't gotten my period yet.
Anyway, I might test again today or tomorrow, or I might just wait for Aunt Flo, as it were. (I really don't like that name, but for what it is worth, it is another TTC acronym: AF for Aunt Flow.)
I'm disappointed, of course, but it confirms what I was feeling about a week ago, that things were feeling very normal and that it probably didn't take. I could speculate on the timing and all the factors that go into it, but at this point, I'm going to move forward and wait to start next cycle with a different donor. I might try for a mid-cycle ultrasound this time, and see if I can get a trigger shot to time the insemination more precisely.
One of the things that is a bit difficult about getting the BFN (big fat negative) is that you feel foolish for having hoped otherwise. I was thinking about names, for example. And I can imagine that the disappointment snowballs if you get month after month of BFNs, like many women do. Still, I keep in mind that even for healthy women using fresh sperm it takes 6-10 cycles to conceive, and my chances of success were only about 15%.
Thanks to all who were concerned enough to email or text yesterday. It is a lot of pressure getting questions from everyone at the end of the 2WW, so I ask that you wait for results here. The waiting is part of the journey too, but I do sincerely appreciate all of you being on this journey with me.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday, people, Friday
The 2ww hasn't been very hard.
I missed a dose of progesterone. It ended up under my bed.
My digestive system is just weird. Today I felt sorry for the people nearby in my yoga class; more than usual some poses were forcing noxious fumes out of me.
I'm so bloated I've considered getting a bella band already so I can walk around with my jeans unzipped. I met with my AP students wearing really baggy, dusty sweat pants, pants I usually wear for cleaning.
Otherwise, I feel so normal I am convinced it didn't work.
But I will test on Friday, unless I get my period before then, so the answer to further questions about when I find out is TBA! You'll have to wait, like I do, to find out. (^_^)
I missed a dose of progesterone. It ended up under my bed.
My digestive system is just weird. Today I felt sorry for the people nearby in my yoga class; more than usual some poses were forcing noxious fumes out of me.
I'm so bloated I've considered getting a bella band already so I can walk around with my jeans unzipped. I met with my AP students wearing really baggy, dusty sweat pants, pants I usually wear for cleaning.
Otherwise, I feel so normal I am convinced it didn't work.
But I will test on Friday, unless I get my period before then, so the answer to further questions about when I find out is TBA! You'll have to wait, like I do, to find out. (^_^)
Friday, March 12, 2010
Progesterone under the bed
After insemination I was supposed to take a dose of progesterone every day for 14 days, at which point I pee on a stick and test for pregnancy. If I'm not pregnant, I can stop taking it. Progesterone is supposed promote gestation, hence the name. It helps make the uterine lining more conducive for implantation. So far I don't have any serious side effects from this, other than a bit of bloating and breast tenderness.
The progesterone comes in the form of little suppositories, about the size and shape of one of those foam ear plugs. Many pharmacies don't stock them; you have to go to a "compounding pharmacy" where they make the suppositories for you. The Walgreens at Clark and Barry in Lakeview makes them, but sometimes you have to wait a night to pick them up. I guess the people who work the night shift make the suppositories when things are slow. I am supposed to put one in every night.
Thursday morning I was sitting on my bedroom floor when I saw a white thing on the floor... I guess I hadn't done a good job putting in the suppository, so it slipped out when I was sleeping and fell under the bed. Ooops.
The health workers at CWHC say it is no big deal, and that I should just continue taking my nightly dose.
Yesterday was also the first day since insemination I started feeling more or less normal again. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the missed dose. Today I did a whole yoga workout without much modification. Physically, I definitely feel different now than I did the first five days. I'm wondering if feeling more like myself again means it didn't work. I have a gut feeling that it didn't work this time, but who knows? I'm already thinking ahead to the next cycle, to how I will be on break for the next 3 weeks and that the lack of stress will make it a better cycle somehow.
It feels weird to only be at the mid-point of my 2 week wait, but fortunately I'm feeling Ok about the waiting and the uncertainty.
One thing is for sure: I now feel quite wholeheartedly happy that I've started the process. I thought I would still have residual doubt, but I've been thinking about SMC-hood quite differently the past few months and now I know that I definitely want to try this, and will make my best efforts while leaving the rest up to the universe.
The progesterone comes in the form of little suppositories, about the size and shape of one of those foam ear plugs. Many pharmacies don't stock them; you have to go to a "compounding pharmacy" where they make the suppositories for you. The Walgreens at Clark and Barry in Lakeview makes them, but sometimes you have to wait a night to pick them up. I guess the people who work the night shift make the suppositories when things are slow. I am supposed to put one in every night.
Thursday morning I was sitting on my bedroom floor when I saw a white thing on the floor... I guess I hadn't done a good job putting in the suppository, so it slipped out when I was sleeping and fell under the bed. Ooops.
The health workers at CWHC say it is no big deal, and that I should just continue taking my nightly dose.
Yesterday was also the first day since insemination I started feeling more or less normal again. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the missed dose. Today I did a whole yoga workout without much modification. Physically, I definitely feel different now than I did the first five days. I'm wondering if feeling more like myself again means it didn't work. I have a gut feeling that it didn't work this time, but who knows? I'm already thinking ahead to the next cycle, to how I will be on break for the next 3 weeks and that the lack of stress will make it a better cycle somehow.
It feels weird to only be at the mid-point of my 2 week wait, but fortunately I'm feeling Ok about the waiting and the uncertainty.
One thing is for sure: I now feel quite wholeheartedly happy that I've started the process. I thought I would still have residual doubt, but I've been thinking about SMC-hood quite differently the past few months and now I know that I definitely want to try this, and will make my best efforts while leaving the rest up to the universe.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Preg-not-nant
The 2ww (2 week wait) is a very strange time.
I may be pregnant. I may be not pregnant. A funny lady at my alternative insemination support group dubbed it the state of "preg-not-nant." I won't know until day 14 (after insemination) when I take a pregnancy test, another stick on which I have to pee.
My body is doing strange things. Starting the day of the first insemination I had awful bloating and abdominal pressure. It did not feel like cramping, and did not feel like ovulation pain. I thought maybe I'd had two much papaya. The pressure didn't go away for about a day or two. Then I realized it was the Clomid at work. I hadn't felt anything from the Clomid so far, but I suppose the drug does what it is supposed to do even after you've taken your last dose.
Yesterday I woke up with what felt like too much core work during yoga class. My mid-abdominal muscles were sore. I went about my day mostly as usual, doing some yoga, trying out mattresses at the mattress store, contra dancing in a hot, crowded, sweaty room, and eating leftover Filipino noodles late at night.
My acupuncturist told me not to do yoga. She said too much stretching could cause miscarriage. This really surprised me because I always assumed yoga would help relax me and improve circulation. She'd said the first five days after insemination were really important, so I assume she meant I should only skip yoga this week. I certainly hope so, as I'm unlikely to want to give up a regular practice which has done wonders for me, body and soul, for the term of the pregnancy, IF I am pregnant that is.
I went to yoga anyway, but chatted with my yoga teacher beforehand about Dr. Yang's concerns. She was a bit surprised too, but said maybe I should just take it easy. So I did all the sun salutations and the standing poses, and avoided core work and anything that involved lying on my tummy. Then I went into savasana and dozed peacefully until the end of class. It was very pleasant, and hopefully did not prevent things from doing what they are supposed to do!
Throughout the entire thinking period I was caught up in the energy of overcoming obstacles. I felt like so many people had said NO to me, my insurance company, my ex-boyfriend, my sister's spirit medium (a good story for another time). It felt like the universe was telling me it did not approve of what I was doing. During the past few days, I realized that the universe has actually paved the way for me to become an SMC, and I've been too busy with worry and anxiety to notice all the positive, encouraging, amazing things that have come into my life.
I may be pregnant. I may be not pregnant. A funny lady at my alternative insemination support group dubbed it the state of "preg-not-nant." I won't know until day 14 (after insemination) when I take a pregnancy test, another stick on which I have to pee.
My body is doing strange things. Starting the day of the first insemination I had awful bloating and abdominal pressure. It did not feel like cramping, and did not feel like ovulation pain. I thought maybe I'd had two much papaya. The pressure didn't go away for about a day or two. Then I realized it was the Clomid at work. I hadn't felt anything from the Clomid so far, but I suppose the drug does what it is supposed to do even after you've taken your last dose.
Yesterday I woke up with what felt like too much core work during yoga class. My mid-abdominal muscles were sore. I went about my day mostly as usual, doing some yoga, trying out mattresses at the mattress store, contra dancing in a hot, crowded, sweaty room, and eating leftover Filipino noodles late at night.
My acupuncturist told me not to do yoga. She said too much stretching could cause miscarriage. This really surprised me because I always assumed yoga would help relax me and improve circulation. She'd said the first five days after insemination were really important, so I assume she meant I should only skip yoga this week. I certainly hope so, as I'm unlikely to want to give up a regular practice which has done wonders for me, body and soul, for the term of the pregnancy, IF I am pregnant that is.
I went to yoga anyway, but chatted with my yoga teacher beforehand about Dr. Yang's concerns. She was a bit surprised too, but said maybe I should just take it easy. So I did all the sun salutations and the standing poses, and avoided core work and anything that involved lying on my tummy. Then I went into savasana and dozed peacefully until the end of class. It was very pleasant, and hopefully did not prevent things from doing what they are supposed to do!
Throughout the entire thinking period I was caught up in the energy of overcoming obstacles. I felt like so many people had said NO to me, my insurance company, my ex-boyfriend, my sister's spirit medium (a good story for another time). It felt like the universe was telling me it did not approve of what I was doing. During the past few days, I realized that the universe has actually paved the way for me to become an SMC, and I've been too busy with worry and anxiety to notice all the positive, encouraging, amazing things that have come into my life.
- Having to drop out of graduate school gave me a stability I craved, and a stability I need to do this.
- I have a good job.
- The breakup freed me to go ahead with this instead of waiting for him to make up his mind.
- I have my own home, with a lake view! I always wanted a lake view, but never thought it was possible.
- New, supportive friends (even if they are sometimes a ball of anxiety) have come into my life and joined me on this journey.
- I have a fulfilling spiritual practice that would not have been possible while I was with my ex. There was just too much negative energy between us.
- Through Siddha Yoga I also have a support network of immensely wise and kind and generous people who will be there for me if I need it.
- Even though my insurance won't cover me, I found a non-profit that will do my inseminations for an affordable amount of money. They even approved my appeal to reduce my monthly fee a bit more, so I could potentially try more times.
Women often lament how difficult it is to not obsess over the results during the 2ww. I know that I will suffer from this too, but in the meantime, I try to practice gratitude for all the blessings I have, regardless of what the result will be.
Friday, March 5, 2010
IUI #1
After a few false starts, I finally made the transition from "thinking" to "trying" in Feb 2010. I started taking Clomid on days 5 through 9 of my cycle. Clomid is a commonly-used drug to stimulate the ovaries and make them produce more follicles. There is a chance of producing twins. On day 12 I began testing for a LH surge that would signal ovulation.
A very kind SMC in Chicago (who got pregnant on her second IUI), gave me a big bag of OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) she no longer needed.
This process is called Peeing On a Stick (POAS), but the test strips I was using actually had to be carefully dipped in a sample of urine, so I had to also get a bunch of little cups. I prefer this method to the peeing on a stick method, as that gets messy. The test sticks you pee on also come with individual plastic casings, which I think makes them a bit more expensive, not to mention a bit more wasteful in terms of resources.
The first time I tested I put the wrong end of the test strip into my pee. Nothing happened except things got soggy, and I didn't know how to read it. Luckily, my friend S had tested a week before, and learned how to use them. When it came time for me to test, we mulled over it through a series of back-and-forth text messages.
I used the OPKs from http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/. The strips are basic but inexpensive. The website contains detailed instructions, a video, and a gallery of positive test strips from the maker! On day 14 I started panicking when I didn't see a positive result. This was partly due to the fact that I'd counted as day one the day I started spotting around 7pm. Most REs tell their patients to count as day one the first day of full flow. Also, Clomid tends to alter ovulation (usually delaying it). This calculator helps you figure out the ovulation date after the last Clomid dose: http://babymed.com/Tools/fertility/clomid/Default.aspx.
Around 6pm on Wed Mar 3, I finally saw a positive LH surge through testing with an ovulation predictor kit.
On the afternoon of Thursday Mar 4 I went in to the Chicago Women's Health Center for my first insemination. The health worker thawed my frozen sperm, and put a half drop of it on a microscope slide and let me look at them. Many of the swimmers were swimming quite vigorously, which made me happy. (It only takes one, I kept telling myself.) Others were completely inert, still waiting to wake up from the thaw perhaps, and yet other swimmers were bumping around on the slide looking sluggish and confused, not unlike a man who refuses to ask for directions.
The insemination itself was really easy. As with many pelvic exams or PAP smears, the worst part was having the speculum put in. Once it was in, the health worker said she saw signs that I was definitely within my ovulating window. You can tell this by looking at the opening to the cervix (the os) and the amount of fertile cervical fluid coming out of it.
I didn't feel a thing as she threaded the catheter through the os and injected the sperm inside. I chatted with my friend S who was kind enough to come with me. Afterwards I lay on the table relaxing for about ten or fifteen minutes before getting up and getting dressed again.
The next day, Friday Mar 5, I went in first thing in the morning, for my second insemination. This one was a bit less comfortable because she had to adjust the speculum a few times. It also seemed to take longer to thread the catheter, but there was still fertile cervical fluid visible, which I took to be a good sign.
I start progesterone tonight, for 14 nights, before I take a pregnancy test. Chances of success with these procedures are about 15%, I believe.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
A very kind SMC in Chicago (who got pregnant on her second IUI), gave me a big bag of OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) she no longer needed.
This process is called Peeing On a Stick (POAS), but the test strips I was using actually had to be carefully dipped in a sample of urine, so I had to also get a bunch of little cups. I prefer this method to the peeing on a stick method, as that gets messy. The test sticks you pee on also come with individual plastic casings, which I think makes them a bit more expensive, not to mention a bit more wasteful in terms of resources.
The first time I tested I put the wrong end of the test strip into my pee. Nothing happened except things got soggy, and I didn't know how to read it. Luckily, my friend S had tested a week before, and learned how to use them. When it came time for me to test, we mulled over it through a series of back-and-forth text messages.
I used the OPKs from http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/. The strips are basic but inexpensive. The website contains detailed instructions, a video, and a gallery of positive test strips from the maker! On day 14 I started panicking when I didn't see a positive result. This was partly due to the fact that I'd counted as day one the day I started spotting around 7pm. Most REs tell their patients to count as day one the first day of full flow. Also, Clomid tends to alter ovulation (usually delaying it). This calculator helps you figure out the ovulation date after the last Clomid dose: http://babymed.com/Tools/fertility/clomid/Default.aspx.
Around 6pm on Wed Mar 3, I finally saw a positive LH surge through testing with an ovulation predictor kit.
On the afternoon of Thursday Mar 4 I went in to the Chicago Women's Health Center for my first insemination. The health worker thawed my frozen sperm, and put a half drop of it on a microscope slide and let me look at them. Many of the swimmers were swimming quite vigorously, which made me happy. (It only takes one, I kept telling myself.) Others were completely inert, still waiting to wake up from the thaw perhaps, and yet other swimmers were bumping around on the slide looking sluggish and confused, not unlike a man who refuses to ask for directions.
The insemination itself was really easy. As with many pelvic exams or PAP smears, the worst part was having the speculum put in. Once it was in, the health worker said she saw signs that I was definitely within my ovulating window. You can tell this by looking at the opening to the cervix (the os) and the amount of fertile cervical fluid coming out of it.
I didn't feel a thing as she threaded the catheter through the os and injected the sperm inside. I chatted with my friend S who was kind enough to come with me. Afterwards I lay on the table relaxing for about ten or fifteen minutes before getting up and getting dressed again.
The next day, Friday Mar 5, I went in first thing in the morning, for my second insemination. This one was a bit less comfortable because she had to adjust the speculum a few times. It also seemed to take longer to thread the catheter, but there was still fertile cervical fluid visible, which I took to be a good sign.
I start progesterone tonight, for 14 nights, before I take a pregnancy test. Chances of success with these procedures are about 15%, I believe.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Dating rant
This post is unrelated to my status as an SMC, except maybe for the fact that since I'm not desperately seeking to settle for someone just to have fresh (instead of frozen) sperm and a warm body with me as I become a mom, I feel I can afford to be a bit more discerning and perhaps less forgiving of the thoughtlessness rampant in the online dating world.
There are some things in the online dating world that bother me:
Age
Frequently I get winks (a slightly lazy, low-overhead, low-commitment way to indicate interest in a profile) from men in their mid 50s. I'm 38 so I don't have a big problem with that, especially if I'm going to become an SMC anyway. On closer inspection, however, these men indicate that the age range for women they are interested in meeting is 18-45. Seriously?? A man in his 50s wanting to meet someone possibly 18 years old? Does he realize that other women who might seriously consider meeting him would be completely turned off by seeing this in his profile?
Body type
On match.com you have to describe yourself as one of the following body types:
No answer
Slender
Athletic and toned
About average
Curvy
A few extra pounds
Stocky
Heavyset
Big and beautiful
Full-figured
Um, I don't really know the difference between some of these, but I consider myself about average. Actually, I consider myself as having a few extra pounds, but that is the kiss of death on online dating sites. If you list that in your profile, I don't think men will even see your profile as they often search with a much narrower set of body type criteria. Many, many promising profiles I've viewed list only TWO body types as desirable: slender, and athletic and toned. I usually don't bother trying to contact a man like that. Sure, men will be men, and they like what they like, and I'm sure I can be as shallow (I can't stand poor posture, for example), but a narrow body type preference just doesn't really say very positive things about a person. Besides I'm neither slender nor athletic/toned; I don't think that makes me unattractive or undesirable, but so many men seem to (according to their profiles).
I've NEVER seen anyone describe themselves as heavyset, big and beautiful, full-figured, or even curvy. Stocky I've seen about twice, and everyone who isn't about average or thinner says they have a few extra pounds, even if those few pounds are in excess of 20 or 30. But that's OK, since we all dwell in this shallow world and I myself could afford to eat less ice cream and be more svelte.
Race
I don't want to date the kind of man who only seeks out Asian women, and I don't care what they say to justify it, it is creepy. I don't list my race because I don't want it to be a searchable factor. (See It Only Takes One.) I always get the impression that what these men want is a flat, over-sexualized fantasy of a woman, exotic, submissive, petite, not too demanding, someone who will make him feel good about himself. In other words, not a real person with intellect and a unique personality.
It is also a red flag to me when a man lists a small range of ethnicities for the women he wants to meet. This is a very complex issue, because I can sort of understand if someone only wants to meet someone of their own ethnicity, even though I have never felt that way myself.
I am leery of someone who lists almost all ethnicities except African-American. Obviously, our ethnic backgrounds are not that clear-cut. Even if you want someone who looks a certain way, I'm Asian but could look quite different from someone from the Philipines or Indonesia or Malaysia. A woman who is of African descent could also be of some other descent, so how is she to categorize herself? I suppose the darker skin color trumps, when you have to put yourself into categories that don't really match reality. And besides, what is it about Asian women or African-American women that makes them all the same with everyone else in that category? You really can't say "culture," since that doesn't necessarily match skin color. You can't even say "hair color" anymore.
I'm not saying race doesn't matter, but the question of WHY it matters, and WHAT exactly matters when we pick someone of a certain race... well, that's too hard a question to get into right now. It is just a red flag to me when someone picks all possibilities but one.
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation
I'm not a great writer but I try. As a teacher, I can't help but care about how people write. I care about punctuation, grammar, and spelling. (See It Only Takes One.) So it is really sad and often funny to see a badly-written profile.
Cliches
Laid back? Easygoing? For me these are little baci of death. WHAT exactly does it say about you that you are laid back and easygoing? Are you lazy and don't really care about stuff? Do you not have your own views and opinions? Do you let others make decisions for you? Are you undiscriminating, undiscerning? Too much of a pothead? And what does it really say about you that you like "having fun" or "hanging out with friends"? Who doesn't?
I will stop ranting now.
In a way, these red flags are useful for weeding out the men we're not interested in. My single friends and I are always on the lookout for men who seem articulate, smart, funny, and genuine in their profiles. These are few and far between, but even if they turn out to be jerks in real life, it is cause for celebration that they didn't put a poorly-written, meaningless, or cliched profile into cyberspace. Then, you hope that they are actually nice, interesting people, and that they were truthful in their profiles.
There are some things in the online dating world that bother me:
Age
Frequently I get winks (a slightly lazy, low-overhead, low-commitment way to indicate interest in a profile) from men in their mid 50s. I'm 38 so I don't have a big problem with that, especially if I'm going to become an SMC anyway. On closer inspection, however, these men indicate that the age range for women they are interested in meeting is 18-45. Seriously?? A man in his 50s wanting to meet someone possibly 18 years old? Does he realize that other women who might seriously consider meeting him would be completely turned off by seeing this in his profile?
Body type
On match.com you have to describe yourself as one of the following body types:
No answer
Slender
Athletic and toned
About average
Curvy
A few extra pounds
Stocky
Heavyset
Big and beautiful
Full-figured
Um, I don't really know the difference between some of these, but I consider myself about average. Actually, I consider myself as having a few extra pounds, but that is the kiss of death on online dating sites. If you list that in your profile, I don't think men will even see your profile as they often search with a much narrower set of body type criteria. Many, many promising profiles I've viewed list only TWO body types as desirable: slender, and athletic and toned. I usually don't bother trying to contact a man like that. Sure, men will be men, and they like what they like, and I'm sure I can be as shallow (I can't stand poor posture, for example), but a narrow body type preference just doesn't really say very positive things about a person. Besides I'm neither slender nor athletic/toned; I don't think that makes me unattractive or undesirable, but so many men seem to (according to their profiles).
I've NEVER seen anyone describe themselves as heavyset, big and beautiful, full-figured, or even curvy. Stocky I've seen about twice, and everyone who isn't about average or thinner says they have a few extra pounds, even if those few pounds are in excess of 20 or 30. But that's OK, since we all dwell in this shallow world and I myself could afford to eat less ice cream and be more svelte.
Race
I don't want to date the kind of man who only seeks out Asian women, and I don't care what they say to justify it, it is creepy. I don't list my race because I don't want it to be a searchable factor. (See It Only Takes One.) I always get the impression that what these men want is a flat, over-sexualized fantasy of a woman, exotic, submissive, petite, not too demanding, someone who will make him feel good about himself. In other words, not a real person with intellect and a unique personality.
It is also a red flag to me when a man lists a small range of ethnicities for the women he wants to meet. This is a very complex issue, because I can sort of understand if someone only wants to meet someone of their own ethnicity, even though I have never felt that way myself.
I am leery of someone who lists almost all ethnicities except African-American. Obviously, our ethnic backgrounds are not that clear-cut. Even if you want someone who looks a certain way, I'm Asian but could look quite different from someone from the Philipines or Indonesia or Malaysia. A woman who is of African descent could also be of some other descent, so how is she to categorize herself? I suppose the darker skin color trumps, when you have to put yourself into categories that don't really match reality. And besides, what is it about Asian women or African-American women that makes them all the same with everyone else in that category? You really can't say "culture," since that doesn't necessarily match skin color. You can't even say "hair color" anymore.
I'm not saying race doesn't matter, but the question of WHY it matters, and WHAT exactly matters when we pick someone of a certain race... well, that's too hard a question to get into right now. It is just a red flag to me when someone picks all possibilities but one.
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation
I'm not a great writer but I try. As a teacher, I can't help but care about how people write. I care about punctuation, grammar, and spelling. (See It Only Takes One.) So it is really sad and often funny to see a badly-written profile.
Cliches
Laid back? Easygoing? For me these are little baci of death. WHAT exactly does it say about you that you are laid back and easygoing? Are you lazy and don't really care about stuff? Do you not have your own views and opinions? Do you let others make decisions for you? Are you undiscriminating, undiscerning? Too much of a pothead? And what does it really say about you that you like "having fun" or "hanging out with friends"? Who doesn't?
I will stop ranting now.
In a way, these red flags are useful for weeding out the men we're not interested in. My single friends and I are always on the lookout for men who seem articulate, smart, funny, and genuine in their profiles. These are few and far between, but even if they turn out to be jerks in real life, it is cause for celebration that they didn't put a poorly-written, meaningless, or cliched profile into cyberspace. Then, you hope that they are actually nice, interesting people, and that they were truthful in their profiles.
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