Escapades with liquid nitrogen

After insurance setback #1, I decided to proceed at the Chicago Women's Health Center, a non-profit dedicated to making health care available to all women. They have an alternative insemination program that has a sliding-scale monthly fee, which for me ends up being about the same as what I would pay at a fertility doctor with insurance coverage.

Chicago Women's Health Center
www.chicagowomenshealthcenter.org
3435 North Sheffield Avenue
Chicago, IL 60657-1641
(773) 935-6126

So, this week I had to pick up my swimmers and drive them from the fertility clinic to the non-profit in a liquid nitrogen tank. The andrologist at the fertility clinic was very sweet and very helpful; she charged up a tank and gave me instructions on how I should keep it from tipping over. "Strap it in like a baby," she said. I'm thinking, in a car seat? I don't have a car set. I did however set the tank in a box, and used the seat belt to secure it. I drove gingerly from the Gold Coast to Lakeview, and made it without mishap to the CWHC.

I walked in and announced to the receptionist "I brought sperm!"

I also got to watch them deposit the sperm in their nitrogen tank, which sat in the corner of an office, next to some filing cabinets. Needless to say, it was a very non-clinical type of atmosphere.

Afterwards I figured I no longer needed to keep the tank upright so I put it into the trunk of my car. As I was driving I heard something tip over, and then heard creaking noises coming from behind me. I pulled over and opened the trunk, only to have waves of dry-ice type fog flow out. The tank had indeed tipped over, and the liquid nitrogen in it had spilled out. I put it back in its upright position, and assumed no damage was done. Incidentally I had been driving around with a bag of stuff to return to my ex, but it was something I never really got around to doing. Some of the liquid nitrogen spilled on a couple of his CDs, but as far as I could tell they were still OK. I imagined the awkwardness of having to explain, as I returned his cracked belongings, that I'd accidentally spilled liquid nitrogen on them as I was escorting my sperm to my provider. This was a conversation better had in my head than in reality, I think.

I am not sure how many people have spilled liquid nitrogen in the back of their car while driving frozen sperm around town, but I must say I was glad I did not get pulled over or have to explain the oddness to a police officer. Perhaps I should call Car Talk and ask Click and Clack if I need to be concerned. I'm sure they would get a kick out of it.

Getting pinned

Several weeks before starting TTC I called and made an appointment with Dr. Yang, a Chinese acupuncturist who specializes in fertility. My friend S had seen her years ago for fertility acupuncture, and had many positive things to say about her.

I found her office on Michigan Ave, a pretty utilitarian space with a small waiting area and fluorescent lighting. Her clients seemed quite multi-national; there was an African man there waiting for his wife, and a Chinese man waiting for his wife. Perhaps Chinese acupuncturists have a different attitude towards patient privacy, or perhaps she assumed nobody could understand her conversation in Chinese, but as I filled out forms I listened to Dr. Yang talk to this man in Chinese about how he could improve the potency of his sperm by avoiding hot tubs and too many soy products.

Our consultation was encouraging. She looked at my medical history and asked me some questions. She was very knowledgeable about fertility, and all the Western procedures and protocols for IUIs, IVFs, and so on. She took my pulse, examined my tongue, and said 还不错 (haibucuo - not bad). I had no specific fertility problems to address, but wanted to do what I could to make sure my inseminations would be successful. So she began a series of treatments to help stimulate and regulate the ovaries, and to help reduce stress.

I love acupuncture, even though it actually does hurt a little bit. You lie down on this table, she sticks a bunch of pins into you at the magic places, then turns off the lights, turns on a heat lamp over your feet, pipes in some cheesy Chinese restaurant music, and leaves you for a while. Sometimes she tells me to relax; other times she tells me to breathe deeply and focus on my abdominal area. It is supposed to be a half hour, but I loose track of time, doze off, and am often slightly startled when she bustles back into the room and turns the lights back on.

She also gave me some generic Chinese herbal pills for women. I'd asked about herbal medicine, what my colleague L likes to call "nastea," but she said it might be too strong for me.

For now, I'm going about once a week, sometimes more. She wants me to come in more often right before and after the insemination. She charges less than other places, but she also wants you to come in more often.

This is one classic example of the type of decision you have to make during TTC, which can be an incredibly expensive process. Do you pay for acupuncture, with the hope that it will save you money in the long run? Do you buy 2 vials and have 2 inseminations per cycle, with the hope that it will cover your fertile window a bit more and save you from having to pay for another insemination? Do you risk having multiples with the hormone medication, knowing things will cost twice as much in the future?

I don't have any answers, but am practicing making my efforts while letting the universe take care of things I can't control. I like acupuncture, and do find that it seems to be doing something. My abdominal area tingles after treatment, and I do feel relaxed. Besides, I like talking to Dr. Yang; she is the only doctor giving me any advice at the moment.

Dr. Licai Yang has offices in Chicago and the suburbs.
http://www.fertility-fertility-fertility.com/
She charges $90 for the first treatment with consultation, and $60 for each subsequent visit. She has very flexible hours, including evenings and weekends.

Another great resource is Randine Lewis's book The Infertility Cure. She explains the TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) approach to fertility in great detail, and suggests many things you can do on your own to regulate the systems that affect fertility.

What is an SMC?

An SMC is a single mother by choice. As I ventured deeper into this world I discovered there were thousands of women like me here in the US and around the world. We shared similar stories, similar hopes and dreams, and yet could also be very different in our backgrounds and values. I interact with SMCs every day, and in hearing their stories, realized how unremarkable my own journey is.

Occasionally I toss out the terms SMC or choice mom in conversation, perhaps because I hope it becomes less of an unusual idea. Sometimes I'm surprised to find that others have an intimate connection with SMCs. My friend N, for example, a 30-ish grad student and mom to a 2 year old, had an aunt who had a child through donor insemination over twenty years ago. When I brought up my own thoughts about becoming an SMC, there was nothing surprising about it to her, which was nice.

In truth, my efforts to promote awareness of SMCs have been half-hearted. Not everyone approves, of course, often blaming the moms for being selfish in bringing a child into the world without a father, going against the natural order of things, or using a child to satisfy their own emotional needs. I figure the people who are not going to approve are not going to approve, and their judgment of me doesn't really matter. However, I would hesitate to bring this up with someone unless I felt they were going to treat it with respect, empathy, and compassion. I certainly did not need a lot of negative energy and judgmental thoughts (I can manage those on my own, thank you very much) while carefully thinking through my decision and plan of action.

As for the child not having a father, I believe that my child will have a father, even if he or she does not have one at birth. I am convinced that I will meet someone who will be my husband, life partner, lover, and friend. However, I am not so sure that this will happen during my child-bearing years. I've done my share of trying to meet someone, and men on online dating sites who still want to form families don't always look at women over the age of 36. I expect that being an SMC takes the pressure off of dating and relationships, and that once I have a child, I can date without the pressure of finding someone in time to have a baby. SMCs who have gotten married after having their child say that their relationships are much better at this point in their life, when the pressure from the biological clock is off.

Perhaps all it takes is someone with J-Lo's celebrity status to make the masses more aware, and perhaps less disapproving, of choice motherhood. In the soon-to-be-released movie The Backup Plan, J-Lo plays a young woman who goes through artifical insemination to have a baby, only to then meet the man of her dreams. Yes, I'm sure this happens to all SMCs. Still, it might be worth a laugh.

Single moms certainly are not unusual, but the basic difference is that most SMCs identify themselves quite strongly as women who have made a decision not to wait for marriage, and who have carefully considered the social, emotional, financial, and legal issues before proceeding to become mothers on their own through donor insemination or adoption. They are usually financially stable, and in their 30s or 40s.

Some other SMCs became part of the group when they unintentionally became pregnant and decided they did not necessarily want to get married or coparent with someone.

For those considering this or curious about this, here are some useful resources. The first is SMC, founded by Jane Mattes in 1981. Membership in SMC gives you access to a number of email discussion groups where thousands of wise, generous, and brave women share their experiences and support each other in choice motherhood. This has been a lifeline for me.

http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com/
http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com/index.cfm?id=6
http://www.knockyourselfup.com/Home.html